Girl of Dreams
by xDreamlessx
Summary: AH. Bella is a happily married mother of three whose life is completely changed forever by one glance at a girl she meets at the gym. At first she tries to suppress it for the sake of her family, but some things just aren't a choice. Bella/Alice.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I started writing this story as an attempt at a novel, but since I was using Twi-characters, I thought I'd post it. It's dedicated to a friend of mine and based on her own experiences. We used to talk about it a lot, but I never felt ready to write it. Hope you like it. :)**

—

Girl of Dreams

—

 _I was having one of those dreams again. About her. Us. I didn't know her name. I'd never even met her. I'd only seen her. Watched her. The dreams were different all the time but this one was a good one. We were married or something. Or at least together. Relaxing at home. A nice house, small and quaint with flowers in pots and meadows all around. A cottage in the country, perhaps. We were sitting on a swinging bench that hung from the veranda. Dressed in jeans and sneakers. Me with my hair down and hers chopped short as it always was. My subconscious wasn't smart enough to invent a whole personality for her so there was no actual dialogue in the dream. No words. No sound at all aside from the melodic chirping of birds somewhere in the sun beyond the porch. That was all. Nothing else. Just me and her and that vague feeling of happiness. Happiness without reason or logic. Happiness just because. My arm was around her and there was a strange radiance to the scene, like sunlight in a camera lens. Smiling. Rocking. She had her legs tucked under her on the bench and now she looked at me. A smile moved over her lips and I wanted so badly to tell her something. To tell her I loved her. To tell her to stay. Because I knew it was just a dream and I knew any minute I would wake up. She tilted her head slightly, as if to ask if something was wrong. I still couldn't speak and she seemed to notice my difficulty. She seemed to realize it was just a dream as well and her smile went a little sad, a little wistful. But then it perked up again, as if to assure me everything would be alright, and for a second I actually believed it. Then I woke up._

—

Chapter 1:

—

Quietly, with a gasp. Her eyes snapped open and the happiness in her heart evaporated as instantly as the dream itself.

Ugh.

Reality.

Laying on her side she blinked at the alarm clock on the nightstand beside her wedding picture with her husband. 8AM. Still early. Her husband must've heard her wake because now she felt the bed shift as his hand caressed her shoulder.

"Morning, babe," he said.

"Morning."

"Bad dream?"

"Something like that."

She rolled onto her back to accept a kiss good morning. Routine. The curtains were closed and the room was dim and gray. She endured his lips with her eyes open, blinking once sleepily, and she gave him a weak smile as he pulled away.

"What time is it?"

"Eight o'clock," he said, and then he smirked suggestively. "Kids are asleep."

"They are, are they?"

"Let's not squander this opportunity, hm?"

His lips came down to her throat. She craned her neck and tried not to grimace, but she was tired, she had to pee, and she was possibly a latent homosexual, and she really did not want to do this.

"Baby," she said, pushing at his chest. "Baby, I haven't even brushed my—"

Before she could finish the fire alarm in the kitchen suddenly began shrieking through the house.

"—teeth," she said.

The husband groaned and detached himself from his wife. Bella suppressed her relief and hurried out of bed to see what was going on.

She was tying her robe as she came into the kitchen and what she found was her ten your old daughter jumping up and down in her Hello Kitty pajamas and waving a spatula at the fire alarm. There was flour in her hair and flour all over the sink and thick gouts of smoke were billowing upward from a pan on the stove.

Bella twisted the knob to turn off the stove and dumped the half-raw but completely burnt pancake into the sink while the alarm continued to blare.

"Nessie, what are you doing? Haven't I told you never to touch the stove without my supervision?"

"I wanted to surprise you."

"You did, sweetie, you did."

Bella had grabbed a dishtowel and she was waving it at the fire alarm to clear the smoke. A heavy gray haze hung clung to the ceiling. Jake had been right behind her and now he was pulling up a chair to stand on and the fire alarm finally quit screeching as he fumbled with it and pulled out the battery.

Bella let the dishtowel sag and looked at her daughter. Nessie was still pouting.

"It was the stupid stove's fault," she said. "I forgot to turn it down."

Bella rolled her eyes and tossed the towel onto the counter. Jake was peering into a half empty bowl of batter and now he poked at it with his finger.

"Hey, are those M&Ms?"

Nessie nodded excitedly. "Mmhm. It was my idea."

Jake was impressed. He licked his finger and turned his attention to the small pile of pancakes that had cooked successfully before the pan had become overheated. He tore one in half and shoved some in his mouth, paused to see how good they were, and then nodded enthusiastically. Nessie smiled proudly.

Bella wiped out the pan and relit the stove.

"Here, sweetie, let me help," she said. "You have to cook them on low or they'll burn."

"I know that, I just forgot."

Bella grabbed the bowl of batter and tossed her chin at Jake.

"Honey, go check on the boys," she said. "They didn't sleep through the alarm, did they?"

"Looks like it."

"Well, great. I guess the next time there's a fire they can just burn to a crisp in their beds. Nessie, how could you be so irresponsible?"

"It was the stove!"

Jake patted Nessie's head. "It's okay, Nessie. Mommy's just grouchy cuz she didn't get any this morning."

Bella had scooped some batter into the pan and she turned to glare at him over her shoulder as the mixture sizzled ominously.

"Sleep, I mean," he said. "Didn't get any sleep."

"Go get the boys."

"Yes, ma'am."

Jake ruffled Nessie's hair and headed out down the corridor.

Bella soon had the kitchen in some kind of order, the surfaces wiped down, a second pan frying up some bacon, and eventually the boys managed to struggle out of bed and come join them for breakfast. Glasses of orange juice were poured, coffee was brewed, and plates of pancakes and bacon and scrambled eggs were laid out. Nessie got offended when anyone ate anything other than the pancakes and the boys bickered over the last piece of bacon. Danny had bought a soccer ball to the table and he ate with it in his lap and the cat curled around Nessie's ankles until she gave it some scraps and Jake ate seconds and then thirds and then finished what everyone else left. Bella kept track of the proceedings vaguely but mostly she was just sipping her coffee and glancing at the clock on the wall.

Today was Sunday.

Sunday was gym day.

Finally breakfast was over and the boys were hustled off to their room to get changed for soccer practice. Bella went and got her purse and her phone and her keys and she found her husband stacking the dishes into the dishwashing machine as she came back through the kitchen.

"Okay, honey, I'll see you later," she said. "After I drop the kids off, I'm heading straight to the gym. Can you pick em up when they're done? I wanted to get a really long work out today."

"No problem, although don't you think you should take a day off at some point?"

"I can't slow down now. These abs aren't going to define themselves, you know."

Jake closed the dishwasher and turned to his wife with a grin while he dried his hands.

"I'm just saying," he said. "You're already full blown milf material. Might be time to just relax and enjoy it, if you know what I mean."

Bella smirked and adjusted the strap of her handbag.

"I'm no milf," she said. "Just an ordinary soccer mom—literally."

As if on cue the boys trooped in wearing their soccer gear, boots and small navy shorts, tops with no sleeves, making noise, punching each other. Bella gave her husband a kiss on the cheek and then shooed the boys outside into the car.

The oval wasn't far and soon the boys were tumbling out the car while Bella leaned out the window and told them to be careful. They waved to her, jogging backwards, and she watched them until they had safely joined all the other boys in their uniforms who were juggling balls and practicing drills.

The gym was in the city, closer to work than home, and it was a much longer drive. As usual butterflies began to circle and flutter in her stomach as she got closer. Like a girl going to a date.

In the parking lot she took a moment to spruce up her makeup in the rearview mirror and tie her hair into a high ponytail. Her hair was long and dark and her face was…nice, she supposed. Healthy skin. Brown eyes. She wasn't twenty years old anymore—she hadn't been for almost twenty years—but she took care of herself and in many ways she was in the best shape of her life.

Once she was done she tucked her makeup back into her purse, took a deep breath, and got out of the car.

The gym was mostly empty this time of day and she didn't see her right away. She got changed in the locker room and got started, mounting the bicycle in yoga pants and a sweatshirt. She pedalled hard and fast, working up a sweat in no time. She kept glancing around the gym but there was nothing but the usual cast of muscle heads and fitness enthusiasts. By now she was beginning to wonder if the girl was even going to show today. She was getting nervous and she wiped at her forehead with her sleeve like a junkie waiting on a fix. Just one glimpse, that's all she needed. Just one little fix to get her through the week.

Bella looked down and continued cycling and when she looked up again her feet began to slow down.

There she was.

The tracklist of her iPod had switched to a poppy love song and the ballad played in her ears as she gazed across the gym at this girl she had a crush on. Somehow she had missed her coming in and she was already changed into her gymwear. Black capris with a pink stripe up the outside leg. Pink spandex sportsbra. She was doing the warm up she did sometimes, a casual jog around the indoor jog track, and as she came around the bend her eyes met with the watching eyes of Bella.

Time slowed. Sunlight spilled from the glass ceiling overhead and bathed the girl in a surreal radiance. Shorthaired. Exquisitely pretty. Bella had stopped cycling at all. She was just sitting there while the vocalist in her ears serenaded the moment and filled her with wave on wave of intense attraction. The girl noticed her there and gave her a smile that almost blasted the other woman off her bicycle. Bella's heart gave one huge thump and she looked down quickly. She had a towel in her hands and she used it to wipe her face and when she looked up again the girl was gone as if she really were too perfect to be real.

For a long time Bella just sat there and then she swallowed with her dry throat and let out a shaky breath.

Abs, next.

This had been going on for months now. Bella didn't know her name, but in her mind she referred to her as GOD. A little acronym she had invented. Girl Of Dreams. She had first seen her here at the gym and all it had taken was one glance. That was it. After that nothing had ever been the same. One look, and bam. You are now in love—with another woman. That had been the trippiest part. Sure, she had played softball in college, and yes, she did prefer comfortable footwear to fancy footwear. But still. Gay? Bella found it hard to believe and even harder to accept. She wasn't homophobic, but she _was_ a happily married mother of three, and so she wasn't all that eager to embrace an impromptu lesbian awakening.

But that didn't mean she wasn't allowed to ogle, and ogle she did. Later on the girl reappeared and Bella noticed that she seemed to have someone with her. A girl of similar age with dark hair and a decent body. They were powerwalking on treadmills and at first Bella thought they were friends but at one point they laughed and shared a kiss. Bella felt a pang of jealousy but she noticed how the other girl seemed to be very awkward about it, wiping her mouth, glancing around to see if anyone noticed. GOD only smiled and rolled her eyes.

Bella extended her workout until the girl and her friend were gone and then she showered and drove home with her hair still damp and her body as weightless as if her bones were filled with helium. Smiling. Daydreaming.

At home she had chores to get on with, laundry to wash and a bathroom to scrub. The boys played basketball in the driveway outside and she could hear them laugh and yell at each other as she cleaned the toilet. Soon it was dinner time but it was the husband who was the cook of the house. Him and Nessie. Jake wore a chef's hat and he poured Bella a glass of wine and she sipped it and hovered about the kitchen in case there was anything she could do. Nessie was standing on a stool and chopping a carrot and both parents kept a close eye that she didn't cut her finger. Bella smiled at all this even if inside she was a little pensive.

They ate together at the dining table and afterwards they put a movie on for the kids and after the movie was over they put the kids to bed. Nessie was a year older than the boys and she went right to sleep but the boys required to be tucked in and at least half an hour of conversation by lamplight before they became drowsy. They occupied single beds against either side of a dresser spread with a cluster of action figures and finally she kissed them each on their brows and turned off the lamp. She pulled the door partway shut as she went out and both boys called for her to leave the hallway light on, as if she would actually ever forget.

Before bed she sat at the dresser in the bedroom she shared with her husband and rubbed moisturizer into her hands. Jake was doing pushups on the floor and when he was done he sprang up with a bright smile as if not exhausted in the least. His workouts were less lengthy than hers but he was blessed with a high metabolism and combined with his work as an auto mechanic it wasn't difficult for him to maintain his muscular physique. He went for a quick shower and came back wearing nothing but shorts and paused in the doorway to admire his wife's body as she bent over to turn down the bed.

"So how many more pounds left to go?" he asked, showing interest like a good husband, always supportive.

"Just a few," she said. "Mostly just here."

She patted her stomach. Jake nodded and grinned at her proudly.

"I really admire how you've transformed yourself, babe," he said. "Juggling the kids and work and all that weight loss. It's pretty incredible. You've changed so much in that gym."

Bella snorted and wondered if he'd the feel same about her inward change toward other women.

"Yeah, well," she said. "Let's hope I don't change too much."

"You up for another late night workout? Kids are asleep for real this time."

"Actually, um, I'm pretty wiped. I think I pushed myself too hard today."

"You look perky enough to me."

Bella rolled her eyes but she was too guilty to refuse twice.

"Fine," she said.

Jake grinned and climbed in after her and cupped her face. She ignored the stirring of awkwardness in her stomach and tried to simply appreciate the fact that she had a wonderful and affectionate husband.

"You just relax," he said. "I'll take care of everything."

With that his lips lowered to her neck and he didn't notice the cringe that crossed her face.

—

The girl from the gym was named Alice and currently she was in a similar situation to Bella's husband; in bed with someone who didn't quite want to be there.

They were still almost fully clothed and only fooling around, Alice making sure to go slow, not to frighten her, Angela on her back, frowning through the kiss. The room was lit only by the bedside lamp and on the floor were two pairs of sneakers beside a pink top that Alice had been daring enough to discard. They had only been dating two weeks and Angela, strictly speaking, wasn't quite gay or even bi. Her moans had a undertone of awkwardness to them and her jaw seemed to have trouble loosening for Alice's tongue. She took little advantage of Alice's toplessness and only let her hands rest on Alice's back below the brastrap. Alice stroked her hair, trying to soothe her, but her own emotions were building, and eventually she chanced a grab up Angela shirt.

Mistake. As soon as Alice's hand closed around one of those soft warm breasts Angela flinched and drew back.

"Oh," she said. "Um…"

Alice sighed and retracted her hand.

"Sorry," Angela said. "I just…"

"Too fast?"

"A little."

Alice sighed again and ran a hand through her short pixiecut. Angela shuffled away and got off the bed and started putting her sneakers on.

"Sorry, Alice," she said. "I'll get the hang of this soon, don't worry. It's just so weird, you know?"

"Actually, no, I wouldn't. It's fairly natural for me."

"I guess I just need a bit more practice. Never dated a girl before."

Alice was sitting on the edge of the bed and at first she nodded a couple times. But then she shook her head and decided to just get it over with.

"Look, Ange," she said. "I like you, but…"

Angela had been bent over to tie a sneaker and now she straightened up with a drained face. "Oh no."

Alice laughed at that and rose from the bed to fetch up her top from the floor. "Look, I think we both know this is a waste of time," she said, pulling the top over her head. "If you're not gay, you're not gay. Simple as that."

"But I like you."

"I know, Ange, but I don't want a girl who likes me. I want a girl who _wants_ me."

Angela's shoulders slumped. She still had a sneaker dangling from a hand. Alice gave her a smile to let her know there were no hurt feelings even if deep in her tummy there was a little stinging there.

"I think we should just call it an experiment and leave it at that," she said. "What do you think?"

Angela looked at her. "Is that what you want?"

"I think it's for the best. I mean, let's face it. Can you ever picture telling your parents about me?"

Angela winced as if she bit into a lemon. Alice chuckled once.

"That's what I thought," she said.

Angela put the second sneaker on and Alice walked her to the door of her apartment in her socks. Angela went slow with reluctance and turned back before exiting into the corridor.

"Can we still be friends?" she asked.

Alice nodded although she was certain they wouldn't. "Sure. We'll see each other every day at work."

"Okay. And thanks for not being mad, Alice. I'm sorry it ended up like this. I really thought…"

"Thought what? That gender doesn't matter? I used to think that too. Then I grew up a little."

Alice gave her a wink and Angela blushed. There was definitely attraction there but only the surface level kind. The kind that never lasts. Alice smiled once more and closed the door and that was that.

The two girls worked together at a local Starbucks and the next day they kept a small distance from each other and only exchanged a bit of chitchat, as if the relationship had never occurred at all. Alice was a bit down all day but she perked up in the afternoon on her way to the gym. There was a woman there who had been checking her out for months and she had come to appreciate the attention even if she had never even spoken to that other woman. It was probably the longest time anybody had ever showed interest in her and at this point it even felt oddly romantic.

She entered the premises and wandered further into the din of music from the speakers and the clang of weight lifting equipment. She had her gym bag over her shoulder and she scanned the place for her admirer and found her on one of the exercise bikes as usual. The woman had her head down, her hair dark and long and damp with sweat, and she didn't see Alice there. Alice smiled and continued on into the change rooms.

When she came out she was wearing her tight black capris and she had applied a little makeup. Just a little. She wanted to make sure the woman noticed her so instead of cutting across the gym toward the treadmills she took a meandering route that wound directly past the row of exercise bikes. Slowly, saunteringly. The woman still had her head down and when she looked up her feet spasmed on the pedals, locked up, staggered into motion again. If she had been on the road she probably would've careened into somebody's mailbox. Alice suppressed a smile and continued on, rolling her hips and feeling very minxy.

At the treadmills she unslung her gymbag and looked back. The woman was still watching her but trying to be discreet. You could practically hear her heart hammering from here. Alice bent to her gymbag and straightened up again with a waterbottle. She then unscrewed the lid and turned slightly for the woman to see and while the woman watched she wrapped her lips around the bottle and tilted back a sensuous swallow. The woman actually stopped cycling for a moment. Alice saw her from the corner of her eye and she smiled to herself and restored the bottle to her bag before climbing onto the treadmill and setting a steep incline. Something nice and intense for the woman to watch.

Over the next few days she thought about that woman more and more. Wondering if she should say hi sometime. See if she was interested in more than just staring. She was single again, so why not? The woman might've been a bit older than the kind of girl Alice usually dated but Alice always did like older women. And maybe that was exactly what she needed at this point in her life. Someone mature. Someone who didn't have to figure themselves out anymore.

At work she began to speak with Angela less and less and within two weeks the friendship had pretty much dissolved as Alice had predicted. It was disappointing but nothing Alice wasn't used to. She was watching Angela from behind the counter while Angela was refilling the mug for some guy, smiling at him, flirting, clad in an apron and carrying a coffeepot. Alice had a pair of plastic tongs in her hands and she looked down to resume restocking the muffincase.

The bell over the door tingled and Alice looked up to see her bestfriend Zafrina enter the shop. Tall, black, cocky and confident with a smirk that never seem to leave her lips. She noticed Angela talking to that guy and she went over to Alice and cocked a thumb in that direction.

"See that? That's why I told you never to date a straight chick."

"We broke up, Zaf. She can talk to whoever she wants to talk to."

"Did you ever at least have sex with her?"

"Nah. She wanted to keep trying but I could tell it was going nowhere."

Zafrina shook her head and tore a piece from a muffin and popped it into her mouth. "Well, I told you not to even bother."

"I know, I know. Hey, you wanna come try out this gym I've been going to? There's a chick there who might be into me, but I need to consult your finally honed gaydar before I talk to her."

"Sure."

They went on Sunday morning, the only time Alice could be certain the woman would be there, and together they mounted treadmills side by side and took turns glancing over their shoulders at that woman on the exercise bike. Many times they would catch the woman looking over and it didn't take long for Zafrina to come to a conclusion.

"Oh yeah," she said. "That's a gay woman right there if I ever seen one."

"You sure?"

"Totally. She's staring at your ass right now. And considering I'm right here next to you, you should take that as a huge compliment."

Alice giggled and did feel quite complimented. Next to the tall Nubian beauty beside her she did feel mildly outclassed but the woman on the bike seemed to have eyes for Alice only.

"You don't think she might be a little old for you, though?" Zafrina asked.

"No way. An older chick is exactly what I need. Someone who's got their shit together and knows exactly what they want from a relationship. Someone mature and understanding. Someone with nice big boobs."

"Well, she's got that last one covered. Everything else is speculation."

"You think I should ask her out?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Well, what if she's not single?"

"Then why would she stare at you?"

"I don't know. Do you really think she's staring at me?"

Zafrina chuckled and hit a couple buttons on the controlpanel and came to a stop. Alice halted her own treadmill as well.

"Alice," Zafrina said, blotting her sweaty forehead with a towel. "She can't keep her eyes off you."

Alice grinned radiantly with her face all red and bright from the exercise. Zafrina smiled as well and stepped down from the treadmill and grabbed up her bag.

"Alright, I'm gonna shower at home," she said. "Good luck."

"Thanks, Zaf."

Alice waited till her friend was gone and then took a drink of water from her bottle and wiped her forehead while sneaking peeks across the gym. Nervousness was fluttering in her stomach and she couldn't remember feeling like this since highschool. Finally she screwed the cap back on and stowed the bottle in her bag and started over toward the woman on the bike.

Bella looked up and her heart stopped.

The girl was…

…coming over?

Instantly her heart restarted and kicked into panic. She didn't know what to do. She kept cycling, hoping the girl was only going to pass her by, but she didn't. She smiled directly at Bella and made her way directly to Bella's side.

"Hi," she said.

Bella had only seen her lips move. Everything else was dim in her ears as if she were slowly sinking underwater. With a shaky hand she tugged her earplugs out of her ears and swallowed a gigantic lump in her throat.

"Excuse me?"

"Hi," the girl said again, speaking loudly over the noise of the gym. "I'm Alice. I noticed you from over there, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out for a drink sometime?"

Bella couldn't reply. Her pumping legs faltered and came to a stop as if her body were simply failing. She couldn't believe it. The girl had asked her out. As if it were nothing. As if…

"Um," she said.

The girl took this for reluctance and held up her hands. "I mean, it's cool if you don't want to, I was just…"

"No, no, it's just… I'm not… I mean, I don't…"

Bella's tongue felt like a fish flopping in her mouth. It was too thick. It didn't fit. The girl had raised her pretty little eyebrows and she was waiting.

"Okay," Bella said.

"Okay what?"

"A drink. Sure."

The girl nodded and gave a giggle. "Great. Well, let me give you my number. I don't want to interrupt your workout. Just give me a call sometime, okay?"

The girl had taken a fashion magazine from her bag and she scribbled a number on one of the pages and tore it off. Bella was sitting there on the bike. Swaying. Dizzy. Throbbing all over. Every muscle pulsating. The girl handed her the scrap of paper and their fingers brushed in a crackle of sparks that shivered through her like electricity.

"Thanks," she said.

"Sure thing," the girl said. "Bye."

"Bye."

"Oh, wait. What was your name again?"

"Bella. Just…Bella."

"Okay. Call me, Bella."

"I will."

The girl was walking backwards and she waved once, a cute little wriggle of her fingers, before turning and heading toward the change rooms.

Bella stared at her butt till she was gone. Then she looked down at the number she was holding in both hands in her lap. She looked at it for a long time and then she slipped it into her pocket and started cycling again with weak and wobbly legs.

—

 **AN: Well, that's chapter one. I slimmed down my style a lot for this one, because like I said, it's supposed to be a draft for a novel. Any comments appreciated. Thanks. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Nice to see so many familiar faces, lol. Missed you guys already. ;)**

 **Nice to see new faces as well. Hope you guys like the story. :)**

 **Oh, and just so you know, this story may contain repeated elements from some of my previous stories. Like I said, it's a draft for a novel, so I'm basically pretending my fanfics don't exist, and I'll be borrowing certain things from them, like dialogue fragments, prose samples, things like that. Just wanted to mention. :)**

—

Chapter 2:

—

Monday afternoon during her lunchbreak Bella went for a stroll along the Queensgate Bridge with her friend and co-worker Jessica. Jessica was about ten years younger than her, blonde, and very excited to be newly engaged to her boyfriend.

"It really was a perfect weekend," she was saying. "Eddie's band had a gig on a cruiseship and I was there to see him play and guess what? He dedicated a song to me! He wrote it, too. And then between sets we were walking on the deck, holding hands, and there was this little space by the bow and you're not going to believe this—we made love! Right under the stars, like in a movie. Oh my gosh, it was so romantic. Here, I've got pictures."

Bella balked. "I don't want to see pictures."

"Pictures of Eddie playing, silly."

"Oh."

They paused on the bridge, the two of them wrapped up in coats against the wind, cars going by in the street. A brisk autumn day. Bella nodding as her friend cycled through the pictures. Each one featured a man with a guitar on a stage, crooning into a microphone with his eyes closed. The final picture showed him smiling at the camera with a wink and Jessica giggled at that one.

"See? That's when he dedicated the song to me."

Bella nodded some more but she wasn't really paying attention.

"I'm serious, Bella, I think he's the One," Jessica went on. "I really do."

"Well, I'm very happy for you. That's great."

Bella had turned away and started walking again. Jessica looked at her.

"Hey, you okay?" she asked.

Bella stopped and turned back. "Yeah," she said. "I'm alright."

"Are you sure? You've been weird all week."

"I have?"

"Yeah, what's going on with you? Did something happen with Jake?"

"No. Not with Jake."

"Well, whatever it is, you know you can tell me, right?"

Bella sighed and leaned against the iron railing. Wind stirred her hair. Jessica was looking at her and then she seemed to recognize something in Bella's expression. Her blonde brows drew into a frown and she put her hands on her hips.

"Bella," she said chidingly.

"What?"

"You're not thinking about… _her_ again, are you?"

Bella's heart fluttered.

 _Her_.

Jessica saw her sheepish expression and groaned louder than the traffic in the street.

"Oh, Bella," she said. "I thought you were over this?"

"I thought I was too. But last week…"

"Yeah?"

Bella opened her purse and took out the scrap of paper. The one with the girl's number on it. Alice. Jessica regarded it with a troubled expression and Bella took a deep breath to help with the confession.

"She asked me out," she said.

"And what did you say?"

"I don't know. I just took the number. I didn't know what to do. Being that close to her, Jess, you have no idea. I couldn't breathe. All she did was smile and I practically melted all over the exercise bike."

"Eww."

"I'm serious, Jess. I was falling apart. I'm really worried about what all this means. I mean, I'm married. I love my husband. I love my kids. So why the hell am I going all gooey over some chick in the gym? Why does every bone in my body ache for this girl? What is wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you. It's just a crush, that's all."

"A crush?"

"Sure. I've had plenty of girl crushes. I even slept with two of them. Girls go through phases sometimes. I went through the same thing in college. Well, not exactly the same thing. I was drunk and I snapped out of it as soon as the alcohol wore off. But you know what I mean."

Bella shook her head. A truck was passing across the bridge in a pall of dust and exhaust. Jessica glanced at it and back at Bella.

"Listen," she said. "If you were single, I'd tell you to just do it and get it out of your system. But you're not single. You have a family. So if this chick is really affecting you that much, then maybe you should just switch gyms. Get her off your mind. Forget about her before she messes you up even more."

"What about her number?"

"Chuck it in the river."

"Maybe I should chuck myself in the river."

"Lesbian suicide? So cliché."

"What else can I do?"

"Well, you can't call her."

Bella didn't answer that. She just bit her lip coyly. Jessica saw it and became disapproving.

"Come on, Bella," she said. "What would you even say to her? Hi, I really like you, but I'm also kind of married. I mean, seriously. I can't believe you're even thinking about it."

"Me either."

Bella looked down at the number in her hands. The tiny scrap of magazine page was creased and faded from how often it had been unfolded and fondled over the past week. Jessica gave her a moment and then she started buttoning up her coat.

"Look, I have to get back to the office," she said. "Do you want my advice?"

"No matter what I say, I'm getting the advice anyway, right?"

"Ditch the number, ditch the gym, and pull yourself together. Alright?"

Bella sighed and nodded. Then she balled the number in her fist, turned, and threw it over the railing. It fell silently and for a long time and finally came to rest on the gray surface of the river without so much as a splash.

Jessica seemed proud and she gave her older friend a nod.

"Good girl," she said. "I'll see you back at the office, alright? Promise not to jump off the bridge while I'm gone?"

Bella smiled a little bit. "I promise."

Jessica nodded again and then gave her a hug and started back up the bridge the way they had come.

Bella turned and leaned on the railing and looked down into the water. A ferry was going up river in a thin white wake. She couldn't even see where the number had landed. It was gone. But it didn't matter. The number was stored in her phone and now she took her phone out of her coat pocket and looked at the screen. Under her contacts the number was listed under GOD. She looked at it for a long time and then moved her thumb to the delete button and let it hover there for a moment.

But she couldn't press it. A sigh came out of her and she looked up at the sky. Seagulls crossing against the clouds on their way to the harbour. Rivers were common symbols for crossroads and she felt like she was at a crossroads right now. She could either delete the number and go on with her life, supressed and censored and somewhat miserable, or…she could call. And maybe figure out what it is she'd been lacking her entire life. She tried to put as much thought into the decision as possible but in the end it didn't even feel like a decision. Her thumb moved away from the delete button and hit call instead.

Her heart began thumping in her chest as the phone rang. She half-hoped the girl wouldn't even pick up but she did.

"Hello?"

That voice. Bella's throat thickened and she had to clear it before speaking. "Hi," she said. "It's me. The, um, woman from the gym. You gave me your number?"

"Yeah, I remember. I was wondering if you'd ever call. It's been eight days. And yes, I was counting."

A sweet giggle from the other end of the line. Bella had to squeeze her eyes shut to keep from exploding. Another truck was passing in the street and Bella turned away from it and spoke a little louder.

"Sorry, I've been really busy," she said. "I don't suppose I can take you up on that drink?"

"Sure. Are you free right now?"

"Now?"

"Sure."

"Well, um, I'm on my lunch break, so…"

"Great! I got a break coming up too. I work at a small Starbucks downtown. On the corner of 5th and 48th. Why don't you come by and I'll use my discount to get us a couple lattes?"

"Sounds great. I'll be right there."

"Okay, see you soon!"

Bella lowered the phone and blinked and looked across the bridge. A yellow cab was coming and she lifted a hand in a daze to hail it.

Ten minutes later and already late for work she pushed open the glassdoor of the coffeeshop and saw her. She was wearing an apron and smiling for a customer as she poured their coffee. Bella stopped and stared. The door swung closed behind her and the ringing of the bell seemed to tingle in her heart. The store was warm and filled with a rich aroma of roasted coffeebeans and cinnamon pastries and after a moment the girl looked up. Her smile brightened to see Bella there and Bella came forward with a smile of her own.

"Hey," the girl said. "Just let me tell someone to take over and I'll be right with you."

Bella nodded and shrugged off her coat. Underneath she was wearing a charcoal skirtsuit with black heels and she noticed how the girl seemed impressed before moving away behind the counter to talk to one of the other girls.

When she came back she had taken off her apron and she was carrying two mugs. She placed one on the table before Bella and said she hoped Bella liked lattes. Bella said that was fine. The girl then sat down as well and started talking. In a pretty voice about nothing in particular. Bella listened and nodded and inside she was just amazed at how natural and easy this was for her. She supposed the girl met new people all the time. Bella, meanwhile, hadn't been on a date with someone new since college, much less with another woman of all things. She was so nervous her hands were cold and clammy and even cupping them around the steaming mug couldn't heat them up.

Luckily the girl was so adept at dating that she was able to carry the conversation all by herself while Bella did little more than show a very genuine interest. In five minutes she had accumulated more information about the girl than in all these months of guessing and fantasizing and every detail was fascinating. She wasn't surprised at all to learn the girl was a fashion major. For some reason it seemed very fitting. She spoke about clothes at some length and even stood up to show off her boots. Biretta, black leather. Ankle high with a block heel. Bella loved them.

The girl then sat down again and took up her mug with a smile.

"So, yeah, that's me," she said. "Currently I'm saving up to go to Europe so I can intern at a magazine in Paris."

Bella nodded and she was actually very impressed. The girl seemed like quite an exemplary young woman. Polite, well-adjusted, pursuing a career in a field that she loved. It would've been a bit disappointing if this girl of her dreams had turned out to be, well, less than perfect.

The girl was sipping her latte and now she set it down again.

"So what about you?" she asked. "What do you do?"

"I work for an advertisement agency. I'm part of a team that's working on a sales program for garden furniture."

"Sounds exciting."

"Oh, it's a thrill ride."

"Did you always work in advertising?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Do you like it?"

"Yeah, I guess."

The girl was nodding, waiting for more. None came. Bella still had her hands wrapped around her mug. It had stopped steaming and it was still mostly full. Since sitting down she had hardly moved a muscle from how paranoid and self-conscious she was.

The silence grew into an awkward pause and the girl looked across the shop as if there might be help out there. Bella could tell she was botching the date but she didn't know what she could say that didn't involve the fact that she was married and shouldn't even be here.

"I'm sorry for being so awkward," she said at last. "The truth is, I've never…"

"Never what?"

"Been out with a girl. Before."

"Oh. Really?"

Bella felt her face heat and she gave a couple nods. It wasn't the full truth but at least it was part of it. The girl laughed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "I assumed you were…well, you know. I mean, how come you didn't mention it? A girl asks you out and you just say yes?"

"I guess so."

"Well, what's your deal then? Bi? Just curious?"

"It's complicated."

The girl sighed at that and a wry, and very pretty, smile settled over her mouth. "It always is, isn't it?"

Bella shook her head quickly and rose from the table. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be here. I should get going."

"No, no, no, sit down," the girl said. "It's okay. I know how confusing it can be. Tell me more, maybe I can help. When did you realize you were into girls?"

Bella was still standing. She had her coat folded over her arm and she regarded the girl there for a moment. So young. So cute.

"A few months ago," Bella admitted. "I saw this girl at the gym and she kind of just blew me away."

It took the girl a moment to realize what she meant and a grin spread over her mouth.

"Wow," she said. "She must be hot."

"You are."

The girl giggled. Bella unfolded her coat and slipped it on and then she opened her purse and dealt a few bills onto the table to pay for the lattes.

"I'm sorry, but I really do need to get back to work," she said. "I apologize for wasting your time like this, but it was very nice to meet you."

"Yeah, you too. Hey, listen."

Bella turned back. The girl rose and she seemed uncertain whether or not to proceed.

"Look," she said. "If you wanna see me again, just give me a call. I'd be happy to help you figure it out. I've dated girls like you before, so I'm a bit of an expert at being patient and understanding."

Bella smiled at how sweet she was and nodded and then she turned and went out.

The girl sighed and watched her go. The bell tingled, the door swept shut. The woman passed by the plateglass window outside, her coat wrapped tight, her hair flickering in the wind, and she paused and smiled and waved to the girl inside and the girl smiled and waved back to send her on her way.

Alice stood there for a moment, thinking. Then she pulled out her phone and sent an angry text to Zafrina:

 _ **Your gaydar sucks!**_

—

Bella was in a torture of turmoil all day and all night and the next morning she deleted the number and decided to shut up and be faithful to her husband. That same afternoon she saw the girl at the gym, the two of them bumping into each other like old friends, and after some fumbling chitchat she acquired the number again after explaining how she deleted it by mistake. Stupid phone.

The girl, true to her word, was very patient. At first she only texted occasionally. Bella reading them at home behind cupped hands like a secret agent and deleting them right away after replying.

Side by side with the girl in that hotpink sportsbra, Bella's workouts became even more intense. Together they jogged around the indoor jog track, Alice as spry as a bunny on the balls of her feet, Bella stealing glances and stumbling along like a woman who forgot to tie her shoelaces. Alice stole her fair share of glances as well and while Bella was on the elliptical, marching on the max setting, Alice waited by and drank from a waterbottle with slow sips as her eyes roamed the back of Bella's skintight yogapants. For an older woman she was in terrific shape and the younger girl was already eager to get her into bed—when she was ready, of course.

They had their iPods or music on their phones but mostly they talked. About this and that. Movies. TV shows. Nothing personal. One time Bella opened her mouth to mention an award Nessie got in school, the way she'd tell colleagues at work, but a cold feeling swept her mouth shut again.

By their fourth session Bella began wearing her hair down and switched from a sweatshirt to a croptop. Alice noted the change with a smile but no comment. They lifted weights in the weight room, small chrome dumbbells, and Bella smiled at the flex of Alice's tiny biceps as sweat dripped from the tip of her nose. They compared abs and exchanged encouragement and showed off the muscles they were proud of. Bella let the girl feel her rocksolid thigh and the girl was very impressed. They were sitting on a bench, Alice reaching into Bella's lap, and the girl smirked at her as she gave the thigh a suggestive caress that reduced the muscles there to liquid.

In the change rooms they tried to keep their eyes to themselves but the attraction all but crackled between them like static. Sitting down to remove their shoes. Rising again to pull off their tops and push down their tights. Glimpses of smooth skin and bare legs. Sideways silhouettes, furtive smiles, faces flushed from more than just the exercise. Bella still somewhat in shock that she was even attracted to these things. Heart hammering and hot blood coursing through her exhausted body. The girl was undressed first and went for a shower and the woman leaned into her locker with her eyes closed and took deep breaths until she was confident she wasn't going to faint.

That morning they left the gym together and went for a walk in the park. Dappled sunlight lay across the grassy hills and there were people on picnic blankets with novels. Bella bought the girl an icecream at a cart and Alice winked as she gave it a lick as they continued strolling.

"Can I ask you something personal?" Bella asked her eventually.

"Sure."

"How did you realize you were gay?"

The girl glanced at her, shrugged, and chose her words carefully. "Well, I guess I was one of the lucky ones. It came very naturally to me. I was only about eight the first time I had a crush on a girl. I can't remember exactly. She was a couple years older than me. I never said anything, though."

"I bet you were really cute back then."

"Still am now."

"Sure are."

Alice laughed and licked her fingers as icecream melted on them. "What about you? Figure anything out yet?"

Bella shook her head. "Not much. Do you really think it's possible for a woman to be straight her entire life and then just suddenly switch teams?"

"Sure. Sometimes it's like that. Latent. Dormant. Then one day you have a magical moment with another girl and presto lesbo."

Bella smiled at that but then shook her head again. "I just wish I knew for sure. I keep thinking, what if it's just a phase? Is it really worth disrupting my entire life over something that's just gonna go away eventually?"

"Disrupt what, though? I mean, it's not like you have to run and tell your friends and family this exact minute. And it's not like you have a boyfriend or anything."

Bella laughed awkwardly. She had something worse than a boyfriend. She had a husband. The girl didn't know that, though, and she gave a shrug.

"So what have you got to lose?" she asked reasonably.

Bella shrugged as well but the knots in her stomach provided her the answer: everything.

The girl didn't live too far from the park and Bella walked her all the way to her apartment building. The girl had just finished her icecream and now she tossed the napkin into a recycle bin on the sidewalk.

"Well, this is my place," she said. "Listen. I'm not usually so blunt, and I know it's the middle of the day, but you wanna come upstairs?"

Bella lifted her eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I mean, there's no reason to be awkward about it. I know I said I was good at being patient, but maybe you're not. It's pretty clear how desperate you are to try it. And if it really is just a phase, this is the best way to figure it out. And if it's not a phase, well, we were gonna have sex eventually anyway, right?"

Bella was speechless. She looked up at the building. She looked at the girl.

"I-I'm sorry," she said. "I just don't think I'm ready."

"Why not?"

Bella's mouth moved up and down. She could see the girl's brow begin to furrow but she was powerless to stop it. Finally the girl just sighed.

"Well, suit yourself," she said. "I guess I better hurry up and go upstairs so you don't have to awkwardly avoid kissing me again."

"Alice—"

"It's alright, don't worry about it. I'll call you later, okay? See you."

Then she pushed through the glassdoors and went on without looking back. Bella sighed and turned and slouched back toward the gym where she'd left her car.

She was late getting home and in a bad mood the rest of the day, sullen with the husband, snappish at the kids. The unfairness of her situation had been building for a long time but it never seem more unfair than today. At any moment she felt like she would burst into tears. Why did this have to happen to her? Why at this point in her life?

During the afternoon she dragged the chores out to avoid the family and after dinner she shut herself away in the bathroom and drew a long bath. She had been on her feet all day and when your heart was torn in two and your whole life unravelling you ought to at least be able to take a nice bath.

With her hair pinned up she stepped in and settled under the bubbles with her eyes closed and a wet cloth over her forehead. She felt bad about Alice. Lying to her. Not telling her about her husband. She knew she should feel bad about the husband as well but that was more difficult. No matter how perfect he was or how supportive he could be, part of her wished she had never even met him. Wished she had come to these realizations twenty years ago. Before the house, before the kids. Before everything. Her entire life would've been different. Better? Maybe not. But she would've liked the opportunity to find out. Her life didn't even feel like her life anymore.

Her eyes opened with a sigh. Beside her on the little tiled shelf sat a round peachcolored scented candle. She looked at the flame for a long time and then she closed her eyes again.

Back in her bedroom she sat on the bed in her bathrobe and logged into Lezzie Lovers on her laptop. The husband was outside and she might have time to rub one out quickly. After scrolling through a few videos she soon found one that made her stir inside. A trio of perky young blondes. Wearing nothing but high heels and sexy stares. Bella quickly slipped an earbud into her ear and instantly her head was filled with the sounds of feminine moaning. Her insides rolled in something like nausea but not quite. Exhilaration. She stared at the screen and sometimes she wondered why all women in the world weren't lesbians. It was just so goddamn…sexy.

She was about to reach into her robe when her phone buzzed. It was a text from Alice.

 _ **Halloween party tomorrow night at my place. Still coming?**_

Bella stared at the phone with three different women moaning in her ear.

Then the bedroom door swung open and her husband came in.

Bella flung the phone in surprise. It flew across the room and clattered off the wall. Jake burst out laughing and went to retrieve it for her. There was a text from her secret almost-girlfriend on it and on the laptop was a threeway of blonde college girls.

The first thing Bella did was slap at the laptop as if there was a spider on it. She managed to get the video closed off and the screen folded shut before he came over with the phone. At first she was terrified he might've seen the text but he only handed it back without even glancing.

"What are you watching there, porn?" he asked. Joking, she hoped.

"No, no, it was just…"

Bella trailed off and looked down at the phone. It seemed undamaged. Jake was pulling off his shirt.

"Just finished cleaning the barbeque for Nessie's birthday tomorrow morning," he said. "I still love how our daughter was born on Halloween. Perfect for a little monster like her, huh?"

"Mm."

"Well, I better hop in the shower quickly," he said, pausing at the door with a grin. "Should I bother putting pajamas on when I get out?"

"Uh, sure."

Jake sighed at how his wife wasn't even listening and then he continued out and down the corridor.

Bella was still looking down at the phone. At the text from Alice. She knew she couldn't afford to say no too many more times before the girl simply told her to go to hell but how could she say yes? Tomorrow was her daughter's eleventh birthday.

While she was staring the phone buzzed again.

 _ **Bella? Did you forget?**_

Bella shook her head and quickly typed a reply.

 _ **I can't. I'm sorry.**_

For a long moment there was no response. Then—

 _ **Fine. Forget it.**_

Bella's shoulders sagged and she sat there for a long time before deleting the messages. She could hear the shower running and she knew she'd have a few minutes alone with her laptop but she really wasn't in the mood anymore.

By the time her husband came back she was in bed and only the bedside lamp was on. She was facing away with her eyes closed but she felt the bed tilt as he climbed in and touched her shoulder.

"Babe," he said. "You asleep?"

"Not tonight, Jake," she said, shrugging his hand off.

"That's not what I meant, babe. Are you alright? You've been acting weird for a long time. I'm getting worried about you."

Bella frowned at the concern in his voice. Concern she didn't deserve. She rolled over to face him and felt a surge of love. Love but not attraction. He used his fingers to stroke back strands of her hair and she tried to give him a smile.

"I'm alright," she said. "Just tired."

A hesitant grin crossed his face. "Tired of what? Me? Cuz that's kind of the impression I'm getting."

"Just sleepy, baby."

"You sure there's nothing bothering you?"

"Yeah."

"Cuz you know I'm always here if you need to talk, right? Anything that's bothering you, you can tell me."

"I know, baby."

"You sure there's nothing bothering you?"

"I'm fine, Jake."

It was the correct thing to say, if not the most truthful, and he nodded a couple times before smiling and giving her a kiss. Bella accepted it with numb lips and then she rose up a little and leaned and turned off the lamp.

—

 **AN: Bit angsty, isn't it? Hmm. I thought it would've been more comedic from what I had pictured in my head. Still, it does have a couple funny moments. We'll see how it goes. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

—

Chapter 3:

—

There wasn't much sleep for her that night and in the morning she was woken by a timid knock on the bedroom door. It was Nessie, the birthday girl, asking if they were up yet.

Toward afternoon the house and yard began to fill with family who came over for the barbeque. Jake and Nessie were at the grill, Nessie standing on a wooden block, Jake carrying a beer, and together they basted the steaks with marinade and flipped them over and forked them onto plates for the guests. The season was turning cooler and the pool was covered over with a blue tarp. Most of the guests wore jackets or sweaters but Jake was wearing shorts and a polo shirt like a prototypical suburban dad and he sipped from a beer bottle and nodded in approval at Nessie's work at the barbeque.

Jessica had come over as well with a small present for Nessie and now she was standing with Bella under the veranda which was festooned with streamers and balloons and birthday signs. Her expression had been turning more stern and now she shook her head.

"I can't believe you're actually seeing someone behind your husband's back," she said. "How could you?"

Bella let out a frustrated breath. "It's not like that, Jess."

"Sorry, Bella, but the fact that she's a girl doesn't make it any less reprehensible."

"What about the fact that I might be gay? Does that matter at all?"

"How could you possibly be gay, Bella? Look. Look, over there. See that man at the barbeque with that little girl?"

Jessica was pointing. Bella looked over. Jake had set down his beer and now he was dumping strawberries into a blender and pouring in some rum.

"See him?"

"Yeah."

"That's your husband, Bella. Your male spouse. The man you've had three children with. The man you've loved and lived with for what? Fifty years?"

"I'm only thirty eight."

"Whatever. The point is, you're not gay. You're just confused. And you need to stop right now before you actually sleep with this chick. That way I guess it's only emotional cheating."

"But that's just it. I'm not confused."

"What do you mean?"

Bella sighed and shook her head. She was beginning to think her young blonde friend would never understand no matter how much she explained it. "It's not just this girl, Jess," she said. "Even if I never saw her again, I'd still feel exactly the same. Unattracted to my husband and attracted to other women."

"Oh, so your attracted to all women now, are you?"

Bella frowned at her tone and then she glanced about to make sure no one was looking. The boys were playing soccer on the lawn with a few other kids. Several parents observed. No one was taking any notice of Bella and now Bella turned back to her friend and lifted a hand and traced the backs of her knuckles along the globe of Jessica's right breast.

Jessica's mouth dropped open. Bella looked at her insistently.

"Yes," she whispered. "That's what I'm trying to tell you."

Jessica stepped back awkwardly. She didn't know how to respond but that's when Jake came over with a tray of strawberry daiquiris.

"Hey, ladies," he said. "You look like you could use a drink."

Bella smiled at him with practiced ease. "Thanks, honey."

Jessica smiled as well, much more awkwardly, and took one of the glasses.

The birthday presents had been piled onto the gardentable out here under the veranda and soon Nessie was sat down to unwrap them while Jake hovered by with a digital camera. Most of the presents were clothes or cookbooks, a couple Barbies, some hair accessories. After that Bella and Jake went inside to get the cake. Bella had baked it herself from carefully selected nut-free ingredients—both of the boys were allergic—and she bought it back out to the veranda with eleven candles on it. The candleflames had no glow in the bright light of day and they seemed feeble in the wind. The family started singing Happy Birthday and Bella sang along as well, clapping and smiling robotically with eyes that stared vacantly into the pale candleflames until her daughter took a deep breath and blew them out.

After the cake was done the guests began to trickle away. Once they had the house to themselves again they sent the kids to their rooms to put their costumes on. It was still Halloween and Jake was taking them trick or treating. They wanted Bella to go as well, the kids pleading with her with Nessie dressed as a witch with a fake wart-covered nose and the boys as zombies, but she said she had a headache and she should probably clean up.

It was dark by now and Bella got to work scraping leftovers into the bin and stacking the dishes into the dishwasher. Wrapping the remains of the cake. Setting it inside the refrigerator. Feeding the cat. Once she was done she took a glass and the bottle of rum and sat down at the gardentable outside. Nessie's presents were still strewn all over the table. She looked at them for a long time and then she reached and took up the Barbie. Small blonde little plastic thing. Bella chuckled once and looked up its skirt and then she fiddled with its legs a little bit before setting it down and pouring herself a glass of rum.

After a few drinks she got up again and piled the presents into a garbage bag and moved them to Nessie's room. Then she bought the bottle of rum back into the kitchen and sat down at the breakfast counter where her keys and her phone were just sitting there. There was an unread text and at first her heart skipped a beat. But it was only from one of her sons. Not Alice.

By the time her family got back with their sacks of candy she was quite drunk yet curiously clear in the head. Her husband might not've noticed at all if he didn't notice how much was missing from the rum bottle.

"Honey, you drink all this?" he asked, holding up the bottle.

The kids were showing Bella their haul and Bella gave her husband a peevish shake of her head for him to not mention it in front of them.

For the rest of the night she was a little light on her legs but she managed to carry herself tolerable enough. She allowed the kids to devour some of the candy and then she clapped her hands and shooed them off to bed, making sure they brushed their teeth first.

Nessie changed into her Hello Kitty pajamas and Bella knelt down beside her bed in the lamplight and stroked her forehead.

"Did you have a good birthday, sweetie?" she asked softly.

Nessie nodded. "Yeah."

"The barbeque turned out wonderfully. You're a better cook than I am."

"Next year can I make the cake as well?"

"Next year," Bella echoed, unable to even imagine her life that far into the future.

"You could teach me how to use the oven, can't you mommie?" Nessie asked, laying there on the pillow.

A sharp salty feeling rose in Bella's throat but she swallowed it away and gave Nessie a nod. "Sure, sweetie. You just get a good birthday sleep, okay?"

"Okay."

"Sweet dreams."

Bella kissed her and rose, wobbling slightly, and flicked off the light on her way out.

The husband was in the bedroom. He was wearing a white t-shirt and white shorts and he was doing some quick push-ups on the floor and now he stopped and hopped up to his feet.

"Hey, babe," he said. "Ready for bed?"

Bella cocked a thumb vaguely behind her. "Actually, I think I'm gonna catch a late night work out in the spare room," she said. "I skipped gym today, so…"

"Are you sure that's a good idea? You had a lot to drink."

"I'll be fine. I just don't feel right if I don't work out."

Jake nodded and then grinned. "Well, how about you get in bed and let me give you a proper work out?"

Bella chuckled a couple times, as if he was joking, and then she turned and went out.

The spare room was just down the corridor and it contained nothing but an exercise bike, a rowing machine, and a few scattered dumbbells. There was also a small chest of drawers with some gym clothes inside and she got changed into a sweatshirt and some sweatpants before climbing onto the bike.

At first her head was utterly blank and jostling on her neck as if it was only loosely attached. Her eyes stared at nothing. No music in her ears. No iPod. With all the alcohol in her system she started sweating very easily and after a while she stopped cycling and wiped her forehead with her sleeve. She had closed her eyes and she seemed to be spinning. The whole room. Spinning and slipping and spiralling outward in a vast black helix that was carrying her away and away. Finally she opened her eyes and fished her phone out of her pocket and called Alice.

It rang. Bella waited with her eyes closed and then someone answered.

"Yeah?"

It was Alice. Bella's eyes squeezed tighter. In the background she could hear music and she guessed the Halloween party over there was still going.

"Hi, it's me," she said. "I'm sorry, I just…I wanted to apologize for not being able to come to the party."

"Look, Bella, you don't have to explain anything. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Just forget about it, alright? I've been through this before. I thought you were different, but I guess not. No hard feelings, okay?"

"I'm so sorry, Alice. I really like you, it's just…"

"Look, I get it. Some women have a hard time coming to terms with it. Don't worry about it, alright? You'll get there eventually. And don't worry about me, either. You don't like me as much as you think you do. I'm just the first girl you ever had feelings for. The first time is always the most intense. But in the end, it's nothing special. Just a stepping stone. That's all I ever am, I guess. Just an experiment."

"You're more than that to me," Bella whispered. "Much more."

A sigh from the other end of the line. "Look, I gotta go," she said. "So long, okay? Take care."

Bella didn't get to answer. The call disconnected and that was it.

For over an hour she pedalled away until her thighs burned and then finally she stopped and stood up, wincing, and limped away to the bathroom. She brushed her teeth numbly and showered and covered herself with a towel before going back into the bedroom.

It was dark in the room and the husband was snoring. Just lightly. She could hear him and she could see the faint shape of him in the light from the hallway behind her. The idea of climbing into bed with him filled her with loathing and she stood there in the doorway for a long time until finally she went over to the closet and opened it and took out a black dress.

—

The party was winding down by now and people were starting to leave. Alice was saying goodbye to Cleopatra and Little Red Riding Hood when she glanced over and saw Bella.

Bella had only just walked into the apartment and she was one of the few guests not in a costume. Instead she was wearing a short, tight, black cocktail dress that she hadn't worn in years. It had only been these last few months that she was thin enough to even squeeze into it. She had her purse in her hands and she was looking around and after a while she noticed Alice staring at her.

Their eyes met across the party. A techno dance mix was playing throughout the house but the sound was lost and faraway in Bella's ears as her eyes roamed over that girl by the punchbowl. She was dressed as a honeybee. With a striped yellow and black corset and wings on her back and floppy antenna on her head. The skirt was a tutu of black lace and on her feet were black stiletto heels as sharp as a real honeybee's stinger. Bella's chest began moving up and down and the girl smiled at her and looked away and then looked back again before starting over.

Bella stood there, paralysed. She still fully didn't understand what she was doing here but she didn't care. Alice was weaving among the remaining guests, most of them female, one of them dressed as Wonder Woman, another as Princess Leia. A skeleton with a chalk white face. A sultry SWAT officer in fishnets. Bella had eyes only for Alice and she smiled as the girl approached.

"Hi," she said.

"Hey," the girl replied. "I didn't think you'd come."

"Me either."

Alice didn't respond to that. They were still looking at each other, checking each other out, and Bella's body seemed to burn under Alice's huge gorgeous eyes.

"Wow," the girl said. "You look incredible."

"You too."

"Want a drink?"

"Sure."

Alice tilted her head and Bella followed her to the punchbowl.

They didn't talk much about their earlier complications or even at all. Bella had arrived to the party already drunk and after a few more drinks she was swaying on her heels. Guests were leaving and Alice was kissing some of them on their cheeks and thanking them for coming. Bella nodded at them as well as she tottered about the room gathering papercups. Oldest woman in the room that nobody knew. Cleaning up like a maid or a mother on a surprise visit.

Alice was leading the last of the guests to the door. Bella was in the kitchenette. She was looking around and after spinning on the spot with an entire armful of papercups she found the rubbish bin. It had a pedal to lift the lid but she was having a hard time stepping on it. She had to concentrate. Finally the lid flung upwards and she dropped the papercups in. Two of them hit the rim and rolled across the floor. Bella swore under her breath and got down on her knees to grab them up and then she lifted the lid of the bin with her hand to throw them in.

When she stood up Alice was standing there by the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" she asked with a smile.

"Oh, um, just cleaning up a little."

"Don't worry, I'll take care of that in the morning. You're kind of drunk, aren't you?"

Bella was washing her hands at the sink. She chuckled and shook them off and dried them with a dishtowel that the girl handed to her.

"It's okay," Alice said. "Usually I'd be pissed for someone to show up at my place drunk, but I guess it's better than you not showing up at all."

"I'm sorry, Alice. I've had my head so far up my ass lately."

Alice nodded as if she agreed but then she smiled. "I should apologize too. I promised to be patient, but I haven't been all that patient, have I?"

Bella still had the dishtowel in her hands. Alice took it away from her and placed it on the counter. Bella was backed up in the corner and Alice was right in front of her. Clad in her yellow and black costume with those floppy antenna on her head. Tall spike heels but still not as tall as Bella. The girl gazed up at her for a moment and then she lifted a hand and used some fingers to brush aside a lock of Bella's dark hair.

"Truth is," she whispered. "You're really sexy."

Bella stood there brittlely. The hand was now cupping her cheek and the cheek was radiating heat. The pulse point in her neck was throbbing steadily and the apartment was utterly silent. The music turned off, the guests all gone. Alice watched the other woman go through these reactions and then she smiled and lifted slightly on her toes and pressed her lips to Bella's.

Bella's eyes dropped closed and she seemed to reel in that blackness. The lips were small and soft. Delicate. So different from anything else she had ever experienced. She could smell the other girl's perfume. A feminine scent that invaded her head and caused it to ring gently. It was the first time she had kissed anybody other than her husband in almost two decades. First time she had kissed a girl. More than one dream was coming true in that kiss and the enormity of the sensations were almost more than she could bare.

Alice held her mouth there for a few moments and then she rocked back on her heels to disconnect the kiss. Bella had been holding her breath that entire time and now it came out in a shudder.

"Oh god," she said, but whether she was talking to god or to this Girl of her Dreams she didn't know.

Alice giggled. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Want me to call you a cab?"

"No."

"Are you sure? You're very drunk. I don't want you to regret this."

Bella looked at her liddedly. "The only thing I'd regret is if I don't."

The girl's mouth curved into a smile. Then she took the woman's hand and led her into the bedroom.

A small room down a short corridor. Shoes all over the floor. Pumps, sneakers, sandals. A desk in the corner with a sewing machine on it and a laptop. Nailpolish bottles. An aroma of perfume and body spray. The bed was a double and it was unmade and together they sat down on the edge. The girl smiled at her and took the lead. Cupping her face and drawing her into a kiss. Deeper than the previous one. Bella moaned and opened her mouth. The tongue that came in was wet and strange and more lovely than anything she'd ever had in her mouth.

Bella moaned some more and Alice responded with even more tongue, smiling into the kiss, toying with the older woman. Deliberate movements, pulling at her head, weaving her fingers into her hair.

"Last chance to back out," Alice whispered onto her lips. "I don't want to force you."

Bella shook her head breathlessly. "I'm not backing out."

Alice grinned and kissed her a couple more times and then she bent over Bella's lap.

She was reaching down to Bella's feet. The girl's face was hovering just over Bella's lap and Bella sat there rigidly as Alice took off her shoes, one pump then the other, and raised up again. Not all the way up. Just partly. She had a hand on Bella's knee and she let it slide up Bella's thigh a little.

"Mmm," she murmured. "You never skip leg day, do you?"

Bella was twitching from constrained excitement and little gasps were coming out of her. The hand on her leg left a trail of sparks and then the girl leaned down again and placed a kiss on her kneecap, her thigh, higher toward the hem of her dress.

A strange whimper came out of Bella. Alice chuckled at the sound and raised up and began kissing her mouth again. Bella let her eyes roll up as that tongue came into her mouth once more and she didn't care that she was cheating on her husband. She didn't care that she had three kids at home. She didn't care that she was a lesbian. The only things that existed in her entire world right now were the hammering of her heart and the humming between her legs.

Alice was stroking Bella's back and now her hands sought out the zip of Bella's dress.

"Are you sure about this, Bella?" she whispered into the kiss. "Because I really don't want to stop once we get started."

"I've never been more sure about anything," Bella whispered back.

"Good," Alice said, and pulled down the zipper.

Bella was basically in a daze at this point and she giggled as she peeled out of her dress like something emerging from a cocoon. She was shuffling backwards on the bed and lifting her hips and the girl was tugging at the dress and pulling it down along her body until it came all the way off.

No bra underneath. Nothing but a pair of sexy black panties. Bella had her head on the pillow and she was laying on her back with her breasts on her chest like hills. They were large and full and topped with big stiff nipples and she made no move to cover them as they tingled under the girl's grin.

"Mmm," she said, grabbing one each in both hands. "Nice tits."

Bella laughed as the girl gave her mounds a squeeze. She was vaguely amazed that her naked boobs were being groped up by another woman but it was less awkward than the kiss. Less strange. Perhaps she was already getting used to it.

Alice was still grinning and she gave them a bit of a massage and a kneading before she leaned down and licked at one of the nipples. Bella hissed in a breath. A sharp throb of lust occurred between her legs. Alice moaned and licked some more and then she took the nipple between her lips and suckled at it. Honeybee wings on her back like something pollenating a flower there.

"Oh god," Bella said, squirming under that hot wet mouth. "Oh god."

Alice chuckled into the breast and continued suckling at it. "Is it weird yet?

"Yes."

"Weird good or weird bad?"

"Good. Very good."

"That's good. Because it's gonna get even weirder."

Alice rose up from her chest and began unbuttoning her corset. It buttoned up the front and Bella lay there on the pillow watching. Flushed. Lidded. Her dark hair spread all around her.

Alice opened the corset and peeled it away and threw it to the floor with her wings. Bella was staring at her breasts. She had seen glimpses before but never allowed herself to look. Now she was looking, and they were incredible. Small, pear shaped, perfectly perky. Nipples that were a perfect shade of pink.

"Wow," she said.

Alice was kneeling there in her bed and she touched her chest coyly. "Not as impressive as yours, though, huh?"

"Better."

"Wanna touch?"

Bella didn't know how to answer and Alice took her hand and pressed it to one of her breasts. The girl was watching for her reaction but the woman was simply stunned. At how soft it was. How warm. She let her hand take a tentative feel. A gentle squeeze.

Alice smiled at her. "What do you think?"

"I don't know."

"Is it weird?"

"Oh, yes. You have no idea."

"You're right. I don't. Sometimes I wish I did, though. For me it was never weird. Just natural and exciting. That's why I always kind of envied women like you. It must be so kinky to try new things and experiment and—ah!"

Bella had flicked her nipple with her thumb. They both laughed at her little squeal.

"Sorry about that," Alice said, smiling shyly. "I have very sensitive nipples."

"They're beautiful."

"Want me to lay down?" 

"Yeah." 

Alice lowered herself and laid down on the other pillow and Bella sat up so she could fondle those tiny little bumps with both hands. They were so small. Almost completely flat on her chest. But so different from a man. So soft. So slight. Like the plumage of a dove. Bella leaned down and placed an experimental lick across one of those hard pink nipples.

Alice sucked in a gasp. Bella smiled and licked it again and gave it a little suckle. There was little awkwardness here either. The nipple was hard in her mouth and she didn't care that it belonged to another woman. Maybe it wasn't as weird as she claimed. Maybe it was kind of natural for her too.

Alice was moaning and her chest was heaving up and down. Bella had moved on to the other nipple and she gave it a wet kiss with her lips and licked and sucked at it with moans of her own. She could feel Alice's hands on her head. Her fingers woven into her hair. Her eyes were closed and her mouth all but watered from how delicious these stiff little nipples were.

"Mmm," the girl murmured. "That feels so good."

Bella raised up and looked at her face. Short black hair. Huge brown eyes. The girl smiled at Bella for a moment and then Bella leaned down and covered that smile with her mouth.

At first her hand remained at Alice's chest but then it journeyed lower to between Alice's legs. She was still wearing that black lace tutu and there were black panties underneath. Bella began rubbing the front of those panties and this is where it became weird again. Weird and exhilarating and completely amazing. She was touching another woman's vagina. Rubbing it. Making her moan and heave her hips.

The panties were getting wet. Bella could feel it on her fingers but she kept rubbing until finally the girl gasped and broke the kiss.

"Oh god," she said, breathless, face flushed with heat.

Bella grinned at her. "I know."

"Take off my panties."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Take them off now."

Bella stopped rubbing and shuffled down between Alice's legs. Her slim and pretty and very female legs. They were wide open and the panties were stuck to her wetly. Bella took the waistband and pulled them away and the legs closed momentarily before spreading open again.

A wave of dizziness rolled over Bella as she laid eyes on all that wetness. She had never seen one up close before and she was struck by the beauty of it. The girl was waxed and she had only a small strip of black curls down there. Bella smiled and touched it with her fingers and started rubbing it again as she moved back over to Alice's face.

"What do you want me to do?" she asked in a whisper.

Alice was moaning and moving her hips. "What do you mean?"

"Well, do I…?"

"Go down on me? Nah, it's okay. Most girls don't go down their first time. Just use your hand. Yeah. Just like that. Come here."

The girl wanted a kiss. Bella leaned down and smothered those lips with her own and pushed her tongue inside. Alice loved it and moaned and squirmed her little body under those lips and those fingers.

"Mmm," she murmured. "This is so good. Keep going."

"Do you want to me to…?"

Bella had wriggled the tips of two fingers into the tight little hole down there. Alice hissed and gave a buck of her hips.

"Yes," she said. "Do it."

Bella pushed them in. Slowly. Gently. Watching Alice's face. It was bright red and filled with lust and she moaned and moved her hips and moaned some more.

"It's so warm," Bella said.

Alice opened her eyes and grinned and let her vagina squeeze on those fingers. Bella's heart skipped a beat. Inside that small hole was the tightest, hottest, wettest space she had ever felt.

"Is this good?" Bella asked, curling her fingers and exploring that burning interior.

"Yes," the girl hissed. "Yes."

Bella smirked and leaned to her nipples and began to suck on one of them. Hard sucking. The girl groaned and bucked her hips. Bella turned her wrist and stirred her fingers and poked at every secret place the girl kept inside her until the girl was moaning and heaving.

"Oh god," she said. "Oh god."

Bella had moved her mouth to the other nipple and now she withdrew her fingers and rubbed a little more until she found Alice's stiff little clit. She could hear how close the girl was to climax and she knew exactly how to push her over the edge. She took hold of that nub between her thumb and forefinger and gave it a quick little pinch.

Bella was watching her face as it happened. Her mouth opened and a gasp came out of her. Her whole spine arched off the mattress. Her eyelids were closed to little slots and the eyes behind them were rolling up in lust as her mouth moved into a smile and a gale of beautiful laugher came out of her as she sagged back to the mattress.

Bella laughed as well and continued rubbing her. Her entire hand was covered in wetness and the smell was thick throughout the room. She let her eyes wander over the small bumps of her breasts, her whole chest heaving, and then she looked back into her face as those eyes fluttered open again.

"Wow," she wheezed. "That was great. You're a natural."

"Well, I did a bit of research."

"I'm sure you did," she said with a chuckle. "Now it's your turn. Lay down."

The two of them exchanged places with Bella laying on the pillow and Alice raising up at her side. Bella was wet and throbbing between her own legs and she was so tired and exhausted she could hardly keep her eyes open. Alice was much perkier and she giggled as she cupped one of Bella's breasts and began massaging it like dough.

"I have to admit, I've been thinking about this for a while," she said. "Even before we met. I always noticed you."

"You did?"

"Yeah. The first time I saw you, I thought you were pretty hot. Then you kept losing weight. And toning up. You really are very sexy."

Bella smirked and patted her stomach. "Still no abs, though."

Alice smiled and lowered her eyes to Bella's torso. The skin there was flat but without much definition. The girl lowered her mouth and began placing kisses all over her tummy.

"Abs are the hardest part," she said. "You'll get them eventually."

"Thanks. I was always worried I'd be too old for you."

"I was always worried I was too young. I guess we're both silly, hm?"

Bella laughed to herself. Alice raised up and grinned at her.

"May I take off your panties?"

"Young lady, control yourself."

"I don't want to."

Bella laughed again as the girl tugged them away and tossed them aside. A hot wave of embarrassment washed over her as she opened her legs but the girl didn't even hesitate. She lowered her head and applied a swift lick directly across Bella's wet vagina.

Bella groaned and tossed her head, wincing as if it had hurt. Another lick came, long and hard, from the bottom all the way up until her tongue flicked her engorged clit. Bella whimpered and clutched a hand to her breast. Her eyes were closed and her body was covered in sweat. Glistening. Heaving up and down. A red glow over her face and each mound of her breasts. The girl was moaning and licking and kissing at the insides of her thighs. Bella whimpered again and pushed with her hips. The girl responded with more licking. Hungrier now. Harder. Firmer. Licking and licking until Bella was teetering on the edge of an orgasm that had been months in the making. No, longer. Years. Decades. All her life there had been something unsatisfied. Sleeping. Now it was waking. She could feel it stirring in the pit of her stomach. Building like a tidal wave. Growing bigger and scarier. Something huge and powerful and all consuming. She had become breathless and her moans were high and helpless, her face wet and strained. Her legs wide open and the girl's head between her thighs. Licking. Licking. Licking and kissing and nibbling at her netherlips. Bella was gasping with her mouth open and her spine was arching from the mattress and she heaved and heaved and finally cried out as the orgasm crashed into her body and crushed everything she ever was.

—

The apartment was on a high floor and the windows faced east. The curtains were open and as the sun rose the room began to fill with light. On the floor was a discarded dress and a pair of honeybee wings and two pairs of panties. The two women under the covers were still asleep but as the room became brighter the older of the two began to stir.

Softly at first, rolling over in her sleep. She was on her back when her eyes fluttered open. It took a few moments before she realized where she was and then her heart stopped.

"Oh, shit," she said.

Alice woke from that and her eyebrows raised before her eyelids even opened. "Hmm?"

Bella flung away the covers.

"Oh shit," she said. "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit."

She grabbed up her dress from the floor and she was throwing it back on. Alice had raised up on an elbow and she watched the other woman's body with a sleepy smile.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

Bella looked at her phone. Texts from the husband. Voice mails. Tears sprang into her eyes and she quickly wiped them away before the girl could see.

"Uh, nothing," she said. "It's the cat. She hasn't been fed all night."

"The cat sent a text?"

"No, no, I was just…"

"Wait, so you're going?"

"Yeah, I'm so sorry. I'll call you later, okay? Thank you for last night, it was…"

"…awesome?"

Bella paused with her dress half on and laughed at the utter understatement that was. The girl was propped up in the bed on an elbow and her hair was mussed and adorable like a pixie who just had sex.

"You have no idea," Bella said.

Alice smiled.

"But I really do have to go."

Alice seemed a little disappointed but she nodded from the bed and Bella nodded as well and offered another smile before running out with her shoes in her hand and her dress unzipped down the back.

She drove home with tears leaving paths of mascara down her cheeks. Among other things, she couldn't believe she had actually drove the car in the state she was in last night. She wouldn't have cared if she killed herself—would've made everything much simpler—but it was soooo dangerous to other drivers.

It was still early in the morning when she pulled up in the driveway. She hadn't answered any of the text but the husband came to the door as soon as he heard the lock. The kids were getting ready for school and kicking a soccer ball up and down the corridor. Jake stumbled to a stop as soon as he saw her. Black dress. Barefoot. Hair messy around her head and makeup smeared all over her face.

"Hi, mom!" the boys called from the corridor.

Bella didn't answer. She was looking at her husband and her eyes were filling with fresh tears. "Honey, I can explain."

Jake's whole face had drained and for a moment he looked twenty years younger like the boy she met in college.

"So this is why you've been so distant lately?" he asked in a small voice. "You're cheating on me?"

"Baby, please, just…"

Bella was reaching for him but Jake recoiled from the hand and snatched his keys from the sideboard and continued out of the house without even looking at her.

The boys noticed all this and looked at their mother worriedly.

"Where's daddy going?" one of them asked.

The car was starting outside and pulling out of the driveway. Bella sniffed back tears and closed the door and turned back to her children.

"He's just going out for a while, sweetie," she said. "Where's your sister? Is she ready for school yet? Mommy has to call work and go for a shower, hurry up and get ready."

The boys didn't seem to understand but they nodded and went back up the corridor.

Bella had started to move too but then she stopped and put her hand in her hair and stood there with her eyes closed and her head pounding before blowing out a breath and hurrying into the bathroom.

—

 **AN: Hope the lemon was okay. Not sure if that shit would fly in a novel, but hey, it's just a draft, lol. I just hope the story isn't moving too quickly. It wasn't designed to be very long, but a lot has happened in only three chapters. Might've been a bit early for all that, but at the same time, we don't want to dawdle either. Well, I guess we'll have a better idea after the story is finished. New chapter soon. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

—

Chapter 4:

—

That day she called in sick and she only barely managed to get the kids to school on time. For an hour or two afterward she languished around the house, shaking her head and wondering how to explain all this, before she gave up and headed in to work for the final half of the day. No gym that afternoon. She didn't answer Alice's texts. The kids had an afterschool program and she picked them up on the way home and got started on dinner with Nessie. Jake was still out but he didn't answer any calls or texts.

Dinner was on the table by the time he finally came home. Bella had been keeping the kids calm but they were worried and they had been eating in silence. When they heard the front door unlock they looked up. Bella's heart dropped into her stomach. Dinner was steak and vegetables but she hadn't had a bite. They heard the door close again and the keys clatter into the bowl on the sideboard and then he came around the corner at a slouch with his hands in his pockets but still managing to fix a smile on his face for the kids.

"Daddy!" Nessie cheered.

"Hey, sweetie," he said. "Sorry I'm late."

Bella rose from her chair quietly. "I'll heat up another plate."

Bella went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. There was a plate already made up and wrapped in plastic. She could hear her husband in the dining room, explaining to the kids where he'd been, telling them everything was alright. Bella shook her head at herself and unwrapped the plate and slid it into the oven.

Jake followed her into the kitchen and he was standing by the counter. He could barely look at her and she could barely look at him.

"It'll be ready in a minute," she said.

He nodded and then shook his head. "This whole time I was just driving around," he said. "Basically in shock. I couldn't be mad because I couldn't even believe it. I kept thinking, she would never do this. There has to be some reason. Some misunderstanding. But there isn't, is there?"

"There is one thing."

"What?"

"It's not a man," Bella said. "It's a woman."

Jake drained even further. He put a palm on the counter to steady himself. Bella felt like she was burning.

"How long has this been going on?" he asked in a lost voice.

"I met her a couple months ago," she said. "But last night was the first time we ever…"

She couldn't even say it. He looked away and she began to panic.

"I'm sorry, baby," she said. "This is so complicated. I never wanted any of this to happen. You know I love you. You and the kids are everything to me."

"Then why? Why would you…?"

Bella couldn't answer. Jake shook his head.

"Eighteen years, Bella," he said. "We've been married eighteen years. I thought you were happy?"

"I am. I was."

"I thought you told me everything."

"I couldn't, Jake. I couldn't ruin everything without being absolutely certain."

"And are you? Certain?"

Again she couldn't answer. Jake looked at her sadly and then the oven dinged.

Dinner was a somber affair, sad and civil with troubled glances between the children. Bella forced herself to eat but her stomach felt like a knot inside her.

The nightly routine went on as usual. Marching the kids into the bathroom for teethbrushing and putting them to bed. Jake had gone outside after dinner and he was working on his motorcycle till midnight when he came in and showered. Bella had stayed up because she thought they needed to talk. She was sitting at the dresser in their bedroom, rubbing moisturizer into her arms, when he came in without speaking and took one of the pillows from the bed.

Bella rose and looked at him. "Where are you going?"

"Couch."

"What about the kids? What are they gonna say when they see you on the sofa?"

"I think that's the least of our concerns, babe."

Bella let out a breath. She was standing there in her robe and he was standing there with the pillow. They still couldn't look at each other. Jake looked at the ground and at the wall and then he chuckled once.

"You know what I can't stop thinking about?"

"What?"

"How hot you would've been with another chick."

A very thin smile appeared on Bella's mouth. Jake smiled as well, just a little, and then he sighed.

"Look, babe," he said. "I love you. That's never going to change. And I know you'd never do anything to intentionally hurt this family. So whatever you're going through, we're gonna deal with it. Together. Alright? We'll figure it out."

Bella blinked back tears. She did not deserve this man.

"I just need to know one thing," he said.

"Yeah?"

"It's not because of me, is it? I mean, it's not because I was…inadequate, right?"

A quirk of a grin was on his lips. Bella smiled and shook her head.

"No, Jake," she said. "It had nothing to do with you. It's me. It's all my fault."

He nodded, letting the joke melt a little bit of the ice. Bella took the pillow from him.

"I'll take the couch," she said. "I'll tell the kids my back is acting up again."

"Bella, you don't…"

"Yes, I do. Night, Jake."

Jake sighed and nodded. "Night, babe."

Bella went out and got some spare blankets from the hallway closet and spread them on the couch. The lamp was on and she sat down and set the alarm on her phone and looked at Alice's texts. Her stomach knotted up again and she still didn't know how to reply and in the end she simply turned off the lamp and lay down in the dark and tried to sleep.

The next day she wasn't sure if she would go to the gym but she did. After work at her usual time when she knew Alice would be there.

She spotted the girl right away. She was already changed into her gym clothes and marching on one of the treadmills. Even from across the gym a rush of warmth passed through Bella. Bella continued on into the locker room and got changed quickly and came back out with her gymbag over her shoulder. Alice was still on the treadmill and Bella came up behind her. Smiling. Watching her ass. So round and cute. Wrapped in black spandex and flexing prettily from each stride on the treadmill.

Bella continued around to her side and Alice finally saw her.

"Hey," the girl said. "You never replied to my texts. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Rough day, yesterday."

"What happened?"

"Family emergency, I guess."

"You've never mentioned your family. Do they live around here?"

"Pretty close, yeah."

"My parents are upstate. No brothers or sisters."

Bella nodded at that vaguely. Alice kept marching and now her brows gathered in concern.

"You sure everything is alright, Bella?"

"No, not really."

"What do you mean?"

"Alice, the truth is…"

Alice tapped at the control panel and came to a stop. She looked at Bella. Beads of sweat on her forehead. A flush on her cheeks. Bella's throat began to close and she couldn't bear to say it.

"…I really like you," she said instead.

"But?"

"No, buts. Aside from that gorgeous one behind you, of course."

The flirty remark made the girl smile but it didn't distract her. "Are you sure? Because after the way you left the other morning, I thought maybe you were weirded out about what happened."

"Nope. No weirdness at all."

"None?"

"None. It was perfect. _You_ were perfect."

Now the girl was distracted. She smiled and giggled and gave her a shy little look. "Good," she said. "Because I can't wait to do it again."

"Me too."

"How about tonight?"

"Your place?"

"How about yours?"

"Yours is good."

"I hate my apartment. I want to see your place."

"Let's just stick to yours for now, okay?"

The girl's smile dimmed a little but she gave a small nod. "Okay."

Bella nodded as well and tried to brighten her smile with one of her own before climbing onto one of the treadmills.

It wasn't until she got home when she began to feel sick about how badly she was lying to this poor girl. But even that was nothing compared to the sickness in her stomach when she mentioned to her husband that she had to go out tonight. She was wearing a floralprint daydress with a khaki colored coat belted over the top and he took one look at her and knew exactly where she was going. Bella felt like a complete and utter bitch. She wanted to apologize but neither of them were quite prepared to mention it out loud and they said goodnight with barely a nod.

She had eaten dinner with her family and she ate dinner again with Alice. The two of them on the sofa with chopsticks and boxes of rice. Each mouthful of extra calories was undoing part of her workout but she ate it all and drank a light beer as well. It was perhaps their first real date together, at night over dinner, and she couldn't stop smiling. Watching the girl giggle and fumble with her chopsticks. Even through all the lies and secrets and half-truths. None of it mattered in the moment. All that mattered was Alice and how Alice made her feel.

After dinner they went into the bedroom and started fooling around on the bed. Not drunk this time and fully aware of how perfect it was. How natural. Rolling in each other's arms with legs entwined. Legs that were soft as silk and smooth as satin. All they wore was bras and panties and soon the bras were gone and they spent upwards an hour on each other's breasts, suckling and squeezing and stroking, moaning, grinning. Bella wanted the foreplay to never end but soon their panties were gone as well and they were fondling each other between their legs and staring into each other's eyes and smiling at each other until finally they came to combined a climax that caused them to gasp and laugh and collapse together in a sweaty heap.

Over the next week the details were slowly confessed to Jake. Little by little, whenever the conversation happen to stray that way. He was more understanding than she had any right to expect and she tried to be as sensitive to his feelings as possible. She placed particular emphasis on how it had just happened and how she had no control over it and how long she had tried to resist. The two of them in the kitchen, watching over dinner with a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. Pausing the conversation when their daughter came in and resuming it again later on in the bathroom while they flossed or gargled mouthwash.

By the second week the spare room had been cleaned out and one of the kids' old beds was set up in the corner along with a closet and a dresser. Bella shifted her clothes and her makeup and explained to the kids that mommy snored too loudly to sleep with daddy anymore. They were young enough to believe it and laugh as if it really were that simple. At night her sockfeet dangled from the end of the tiny bed as she lay in the dusty unfamiliar room and it took her a long time to fall asleep.

The hardest part was dating Alice without revealing even one detail of her personal life. She'd become a master at avoiding subjects and switching topics. They spent most of their time together at the gym and they went on dates directly off the treadmills, movies, restaurants, strolls in the park. They made love for hours at a time, as if they just couldn't get enough of each other, and every night Bella used the cat as an excuse for why she couldn't stay over Alice's apartment. She claimed the cat would pee all over the floor if she wasn't there to feed it, which was true, even though by the time she got home the cat had already been taken care of by the husband and kids. Alice seemed to understand and she would walk Bella to the door of her apartment with a sheet wrapped around her naked body to give her a kiss goodnight. On the same mouth Bella would later use to kiss her children goodnight.

The changes were slow and gradual and in a month there were no more changes. A brittle status quo had been reached with Bella living in the spare room while dating Alice and Alice slowly becoming more and more suspicious of Bella's reticence. Strain began to build. No matter what she did it was always the wrong thing. Staying out too late to put the boys to bed or going home early and upsetting Alice. The only support in her life seemed to be her husband, which in itself was another source of guilt and strain. Losing sleep. Struggling at work.

On the weekend the boys had a big soccer game and Bella had to blow off another afternoon with Alice. A cold day with heavy clouds overhead. There was a decent turnout of parents in the stands, clad in coats, clapping and calling out encouragement, most of them mothers with only a few fathers scattered among them. Jake was one of the fathers and he sat with Bella while they watched their sons run up and down the field and kick the ball and yell at the other boys the way all little kids play sports, with only a very rudimentary grasp of teamwork and tactics. One of the boys managed to score a goal and Bella hopped up with a cheer and started clapping.

"Woo hoo! Go, baby! Yay!"

None of the other parents had risen. Jake looked around awkwardly and tugged her coat. Bella sat back down but she was smiling and she gave a few more claps. Moments like these sometimes she was able to forget the complications of her life and just enjoy being a mommy.

"So how long we gonna keep this up for?" her husband asked, and just like that, the moment was gone.

"What do you mean?"

"This," he said. "Pretending we're a family."

"We are a family, Jake. That's never going to change."

Jake sighed and looked away. Bella felt a flicker of irritation.

"Well, what am I supposed to do, Jake? Move out? It's a joint mortgage. I leave, you lose the house. The kids lose the house. What then?"

"So you wanna keep living like this forever, do you?"

"No, but…"

"But what? You wanna move your girlfriend in too and get married and raise another family right there in the spare room?"

"That's not fair, Jake."

"Not fair? Do you want me to tell you about not fair, Bella? We've been married eighteen years. Then one day, out of the blue for no reason at all, my wife doesn't love me anymore. That's not fair."

"I do love you, Jake. I'm just not attracted to you."

"Same difference."

Bella sighed and looked down. One of the other kids scored a goal and there was a smattering of applause from a little way down the crowd. Jake gave some polite applause as well and then turned back to Bella.

"I bet this girl you're seeing could tell you a thing or two about unfair as well," he said. "If she knew the truth."

"How can I possibly tell her, Jake?"

"I don't know. But you gotta figure it out, Bells. The longer you wait, the worse it's gonna be. Something's got to give here."

"I know," Bella said, staring down at her lap.

The next day at work she confided everything to Jessica. Once again they were on the Queensgate bridge during their lunchbreak, leaning on the rail with the wind in their hair. Jessica listened but it was clear from her expression that she was getting sick of hearing it. Once she heard it all she just shrugged.

"Well, I don't know why you're asking me," she said. "You've obviously made your choice."

" _Choice_?"

Jessica sighed and looked away. Bella frowned at her.

"This isn't a choice, Jessica," she said. "It's how I am."

"Yeah, yeah. A person can't help the way they feel, right? Only that's bullshit. You have a family, you stick with it. Simple as that. You should just be grateful that your husband is even willing to forgive you for everything so far."

"How can you say that? What if it was my husband in this position? Would you tell him it's a choice? That he should stay with his family? Or is it only because I'm a woman that I'm supposed to just shut up and do the laundry like a good little wife?"

"You know that's not what I meant."

"No, I think it is. I think that's exactly what you meant. If it was a man in my position who realized he was gay, you'd tell him to get divorced in a heartbeat. To be himself. That there's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Bella, there's no need—"

"No, I think there is a need, Jessica. I never asked for this to happen. But it did. And even if it wasn't about gender, is it really so reprehensible? I fell in love with someone else. It sucks, but it happens. And I'm dealing with it the best way I know how. So instead of judging me like a self-righteous bitch, why can't you try to be even just a little understanding?"

Jessica sighed and looked out across the river. Bella looked at her for a moment and then she scoffed and tied the belt on her coat.

"You know what? Forget I ever mentioned it."

Then she started back up the bridge and left her ex-bestfriend there in the wind.

That afternoon Bella skipped gym and went directly on a date with Alice. She took her to a movie and then to an Italian restaurant where she bought an expensive bottle of wine and a slice of chocolate cake for them to share for dessert. Alice wanted to pay for half but Bella insisted on the honor of paying for everything herself. Alice shrugged and sipped her wine with a smile and said it's good to have a sugar momma.

It began raining while they were eating and while they were driving to Alice's apartment Bella took a detour and parked at an abandoned trainyard where they could relax and listen to the sound of the rain on the roof of the car. Like teenagers they climbed into the back and started making out, tongues spiced with wine, moans mingled with the low rumble of thunder in the distance. Alice straddled Bella's lap and lifted her top and leaned each of her nipples to Bella's mouth. Bella kissed them and suckled at them and smiled with her lips wrapped around one of them.

"Mmm," she murmured. "Thank you, Alice. I've had such a shitty couple days. I really needed this."

"You're the one who took me out, baby."

"I know. But you're the one who's so perfect."

Alice giggled and sat back on her lap and gave Bella a kiss. Bella stroked her back until Alice pulled back gently.

"But I do wish you'd talk to me about why these days are so shitty," she said. "You're, like, the most secretive woman I've ever dated. You're not a spy, are you?"

"The only thing I'm trying to infiltrate is your panties."

Bella's hands were pawing at the button on the girl's jeans. Alice was lowering her top and now she giggled and stopped Bella's hands.

"Seriously," she said. "How come you never talk to me? Is it because I'm younger than you? You think I won't understand?"

Bella shook her head and tried to ignore the guilt and sadness stirring in her stomach. "I just don't want to bother you with my bullshit."

"That's sweet, but if this relationship is going to evolve, then eventually we're going to have to share that bullshit. So, come on, tell me. What's wrong?"

"Oh, it's nothing much. Just work. And people letting me down."

"Which people?"

"Oh, you know. A friend of mine. I always thought she was my best friend, but I guess she's not even a good friend."

"What did she do?"

"She doesn't approve. Of me and you."

"Seriously? In 2015?"

"Well, it's a little more complicated than that. She does have a point, but I guess I just don't want to see it."

"If I make you happy, she should be happy too," Alice said, and then she sealed it with a kiss on Bella's lips.

Bella enjoyed the kiss with her eyes closed, listening to the rattle of the rain on the sheetmetal, a thin crack of thunder. The storm was getting worse but she didn't care. She was here, safe, with Alice.

"Ooh, I forgot," Alice said, breaking the kiss. "Speaking of complications, I have one of my own."

"Yeah?"

"I got an email this morning from a magazine I've been applying at. It turns out an internship finally opened up in Paris."

Bella grinned. "Really? That's great."

Alice grinned as well. "Yeah, and I've finally scraped together enough cash to go. Only problem is…"

"What?"

"Well, it's in Paris. And you're here."

Bella smiled and looked at her face in the dimness of the backseat. A thin white flash flickered in the windows. Thunder rumbled after. Alice was still straddling Bella's lap and she gave a shy little shrug.

"I don't want to leave you," she said.

"How long would you be gone?"

"Just over a year."

"Well, that's not too long."

"Maybe not if we were already committed, but we've only been going out what? Two months? I can't ask you to wait for me for an entire year."

"And I can't ask you to stay."

"Maybe you don't have to ask. Maybe I don't want to go anymore anyway."

"Alice."

"What?"

"You've been waiting for this opportunity ever since you finished college."

"Yeah, well, I've been waiting for a decent girlfriend even longer."

Bella chuckled to herself and shook her head. Inside she was filled with a strange but not unsweet melancholy. She ought to have been devastated that the girl had to go but she wasn't. It was the best resolution to their relationship she could've hoped for.

Alice was still straddling her lap and now her hand was stroking Bella's hair.

"I'm serious, Bella," she said. "I've had a lot of failed relationships. Like, you wouldn't believe how many. I mean, you've seen how perfect I am, right? Yet for some reason all my life women have been lining up to break my heart. But now… this time…"

The hand cupped Bella's face.

"I feel like I've finally found a keeper," Alice whispered. "And I don't want to leave you, Bella."

Bella's throat thickened but she forced herself to smile. "That's sweet, but this is your career, Alice. Your dream."

"Career, sure. But not dream. I'm a simple girl. My dream was always just to find someone special. Fall in love. Get married. That's what's most important to me."

"Then you're very naïve."

"I know. But it's how I am."

"I can't let you stay just for me, Alice."

Alice laughed. Then she saw the other woman wasn't and she sobered awkwardly as rain continued to drum on the roof of the car.

"You seriously want me to go?" she asked.

"I just don't want you to have any regrets."

"I think I'd regret going more than I'd regret staying. There'll always be more internships. But there's only one of you."

"I'm nothing special, Alice."

"I think you are."

Alice went to kiss her but Bella put her hands on her chest gently.

"Just think about it, okay? We can always do something long distance. Or put the relationship on hiatus. You wouldn't be gone forever and I can keep busy till you get back. You have to be an adult about this. Okay?"

Alice looked at her, all her lovely warmth sitting there on Bella's lap. Bella looking up at her while inside her heart was breaking. She didn't want the girl to go but this might be the only way to avoid hurting her. Finally the girl nodded.

"Okay," she said. "I'll think about it."

Bella smiled. Alice smiled as well and leaned to her face cutely.

"Until then—your place or mine?" she asked, mouth to mouth.

"Yours."

"It's always mine. When do I get to see yours?"

"As soon as I can be bothered to clean it up."

"I'm starting to think you're hiding something from me. You don't live with your parents, do you?"

"I wish. Then they could clean it up."

Alice giggled and kissed her, once, twice, a third time, another low rumble of thunder occurring in the darkness outside. Bella moaned and gripped her hands into the seat of Alice's jeans and then she hefted the smaller girl to the side and laid her down across the backseat.

Alice flinched and made a meeping sound as she landed on something sharp.

"Ouch," she said. "What was that?"

She reached underneath her between the cushions of the seat and pulled out a small action figurine that belonged to one of the boys. The figurine wore chainmail armor and carried a sword that had poked Alice's back.

Bella's face drained. Alice laughed.

"What's this thing?" she asked.

"I don't know. It must belong to my sister's kid."

"You have a sister?"

"Yeah, she has a bunch of kids. I'm always babysitting and picking them up. They always leave their shit everywhere. Sorry about that."

Alice giggled and tossed the figurine aside. "Kids, huh?"

"Yeah."

"You think you'll ever have kids?"

"I don't know. What about you?"

"Sure. I love kids."

"You do?"

"Of course. I always wanted at least a little girl."

Bella smiled and struggled not to cry from how perfect this girl was and how wrong she had been to lie to her. Alice smiled as well and pulled her down into a kiss as the thunder cracked and the lightning flashed in the windows.

—

 **AN: I think this one was pretty good. The thunderstorm was a nice little bit of subtext. I do love a good thunderstorm, lol. Hope everyone likes Jake. I wanted him to be sort of the opposite of the typical drunk abusive catholic husbands you often see in lesbian romance. I just hope he wasn't too supportive too fast. I might have a bit of pacing issue so far.** **Anyway, hope you liked it. New chapter soon. :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Thanks for reviews! It's great how many people love this story so quickly, and criticism is very valuable too. The more room for improvement the better. :)**

—

Chapter 5:

—

A few days later Alice explained the situation to her bestfriend Zafrina. Zafrina had gotten a job at the same Starbucks and currently she was wiping down the espresso machine with a special cloth while Alice stood by and relayed the particulars of her problem. The tall black woman nodded but she seemed equally distracted by the indignity of her menial position in a coffeeshop.

"Can't believe I'm working as a waitress," she said. "Why did I bother going to college again?"

"It's hard times on everyone, Zaf."

"Sure is."

"So what do you think I should do about Bella? I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I'm not sure I can live without her."

"You probably could."

"I already miss her and I haven't even left."

Zafrina sighed and stopped polishing the machine. The chrome was sparkling in the early sun through the windows and the shop was mostly empty at this time of day.

"I don't know, Ally," Zafrina said. "But maybe…"

"Maybe what?"

"Well, maybe she's right. You've been dreaming about going to Paris for years. It's your career. You wanna work in a coffeeshop forever?"

Zafrina levelled a skeptical look across the empty tables, the couple of patrons, the waitresses in aprons restocking the pastry cases. Alice didn't have the same contempt for the line of work her friend had but she saw the point.

"No," she said. "But I don't wanna be alone forever either."

"She did say she'd be willing to go long distance."

"Long distance never works out."

"Sometimes it does."

"No, it doesn't."

"Yeah, probably not."

"So basically I have two choices. Go to Paris and lose Bella. Or stay with Bella and lose Paris."

Zafrina nodded as if that about summed it up. Alice sighed.

"I just wish I had met her a little earlier," she said. "It would be a much easier decision if we were already living together or something."

"Well, you're a long way from that. You don't even know _where_ she lives."

"Yeah, I guess."

"I don't know, Alice, maybe she isn't even ready for a serious relationship. Not with another woman, anyway. She's too secretive. Too hesitant to let you in."

Alice looked down at her hands. Zafrina put a hand on her shoulder.

"Maybe this Paris thing is right on time," she said. "It's the perfect out. Before things get really serious and heart breaking."

"You really think she's not ready?"

"I don't know. I mean, she seems great. She really does. But she does keep you at a distance. So either she's not ready or she's hiding something."

"What could she be hiding?"

"Who knows. Maybe she's married with five kids."

"Yeah. That would be exactly my luck."

Zafrina chuckled once and resumed polishing the espresso machine, running the cloth along all the knobs and dials, the etched nameplates, the entire contraption like the helm of some old Italian steamboat. Alice heaved another sigh.

"So what am I going to do, Zaf?"

"It's up to you. But if you really like her so much, maybe you need to have a serious talk with her. Tell her how you feel. Ask for some kind of commitment. Find out if she really is ready."

"What if I scare her away?"

"Then you go to Paris."

"I could always just look for an internship here in the states."

"You can't throw away your dream for just half a relationship, Alice."

The bell over the door rang and a group of customers came in, four women with shopping bags and scarfs around their necks. Zafrina glanced over and then turned back to Alice.

"Come on, you get better back to work," she said. "We'll talk about this later, alright? Better yet, talk about it with Bella. She's the only one who can tell you if she's ready or not."

Alice nodded and fixed a smile on her face to greet the arrivals as they came over to the counter.

That day was another gym day with Bella. They worked up a good sweat together, chatting about this and that, but it didn't seem like a good time to bring up what she really wanted to talk about. It would have to be a serious conversation that required more attention than breathless banter between treadmills with one ear plugged up by an iPod.

In the locker room they went for showers and dried off and got changed side by side. Alice hitched up her jeans and noticed Bella sneak a peek at her butt. The woman seemed to have a thing for her butt. It made Alice smile and after stowing her gym bag in the locker she pushed the door closed and turned back to Bella.

"Listen," she said. "Do you think we can talk tonight?"

Bella was brushing her hair quickly. "About what?"

"A lot of things. I've been thinking a lot about my internship, and, uh… Well, bottom line, I don't want to go. I mean, I do, but I don't want to leave. So…"

Bella lowered the hairbrush and looked at her. Alice felt her face heat a little.

"Well, I was just hoping we could talk," she said.

Bella nodded and gave her long dark hair another pass with the brush before tossing the brush into her locker. "You're right, maybe we should. I gotta get home right now, but I can come over later."

"Why don't I just meet you at your place?" Alice asked before she could stop herself.

It was probably the wrong time to bring this up as well. Bella paused as she was closing her locker and her reluctance was so obvious that Alice frowned.

"Bella?"

"I got a better idea," Bella said, and then smiled. "Italian."

"Italian?"

"Yeah, let's go somewhere nice. I'll pick you up at eight, okay?"

Alice looked at her for a long moment. This was the woman she wanted to throw away her internship for and she wouldn't even invite her over to her place. Alice snorted and turned away.

"Forget it," she said. "I don't feel like it tonight."

"Alice—"

"I said forget it. I don't know what you're trying to hide from me, Bella, but I'm not going to put up with it much longer. Either let me into your life or let me go. Give me a call when you figure it out."

A few half naked women looked over at the outburst. Bella was embarrassed but Alice only turned away and stalked out of the locker room.

Her car was in the parking lot, a small chrome Volkswagen Beetle, and she slammed the door as she got in. She was so upset that for a few minutes she only sat there and shook her head. She couldn't understand what the big secret was. What possible reason could a woman have to hide where she lives? Was it in a bad neighbourhood? Did she have some embarrassing roommate? It wasn't because she was homeless or anything. She had a great job and lots of expensive clothes and shoes. So why then did she…

Alice's train of thought evaporated as she noticed Bella across the parking lot through the windshield. She was getting into her own car, a navy blue SUV, and she hadn't noticed Alice sitting there.

Alice straightened up in the car seat as she watched that SUV pull out of its space and turn into the road. On its way home. A crazy idea occurred to her and she quickly turned the key in her own vehicle and pulled out of the parking lot and started following the SUV.

Already a queasy feeling was building in her stomach as she kept a slight distance from the SUV. She didn't like doing this. Too close to stalking. But she felt she had no choice. It wasn't normal to be so secretive. Under other circumstances Alice would have given Bella as much time as she needed to open up but there just wasn't time. She had to make a decision about Paris as soon as possible.

The SUV drove through the city for a long time and then turned south on the Queensgate Bridge. Alice made sure not to get too close. The bright chrome Beetle wasn't the most nondescript car on the road. She was surprised Bella hadn't noticed her already. The queasy feeling was getting worse. It would be so embarrassing if Bella actually caught her.

The SUV had cleared the bridge and it was continuing into the suburbs out here on the island. Alice didn't know what to make of that. Did Bella live in a house? Alice knew she made a lot of money, far more than Alice did, but houses were expensive. Even renting one. Especially when you were single. There were far fewer cars on the road out here and it was becoming difficult to follow. Alice hung back at the corner, her stomach turning, and then she emerged onto the road again, almost an entire block behind the SUV. She was going past fine homes with fruit trees in the yards and flowerbeds and two car garages. Picket fences. Hedges. Did Bella really live out here?

Finally the SUV slowed and turned into a certain driveway. Alice was partway down the block and she slowed and came to a halt as well as she stared out the windshield. The queasiness in her stomach was intensifying into nausea. Two young boys had been in that driveway, playing basketball with a hoop fixed to the garage door, and now they scattered to make way for the SUV as the SUV paused to wait for the garage roof to rise. One of the boys was smiling and waving at the driver's window.

Alice was opened mouthed and at first she wondered if she had lost Bella somewhere back in the city and had started trailing some other navy blue SUV instead. But then the SUV continued into the garage and parked and the driver's side door opened for the driver to get out. Bella. She was wearing her skirtsuit and high heels but she caught the basketball that one of the boys threw at her and dribbled it a little bit out into the driveway. The garage door was closing, lowering the hoop, and she threw a few hoops with those two boys while the two boys laughed and tried to block her.

Alice was parked halfway down the block. The scene seemed very small and far away. She sat there for a long time, watching, uncomprehending, and after fifteen minutes or so Bella began to clap her hands and order the boys inside. It was getting late by now and the sun was starting to set. A deep orange dusk hung over the neighbourhood. Alice watched all three of them troop inside and after that the street was entirely empty. Silent. No wind. Not a leaf on any of the trees along the sidewalk stirring in the heavy afternoon stillness.

For a long time she just sat there in her car. Bella had once mentioned she had a sister. Maybe those were her sister's kids. Maybe it was her sister's house. Maybe she lived with her sister and that's why she couldn't bring Alice over. Maybe she was embarrassed. Or maybe her sister didn't approve. Alice didn't know. None of this made sense. Her head had begun to throb softly and by now it wasn't queasiness or nausea in her stomach. She felt outright sick. What was going on here? What was Bella really hiding?

Alice shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose.

Then she opened the door and got out of the car.

Taking a deep breath she crossed the street and continued down the sidewalk. Toward the house where Bella apparently lived. The house was two stories and there were large baywindows in the front. A children's bicycle lay on the lawn. A soccer ball. Alice squinted at the sun. A bank of purple clouds and a deep drain of red and orange at the end of the road. She turned back to the house and navigated the lane toward the porch with a seeping feeling in her stomach. The door was oak and it had a small brass knocker. Alice stood on the porch, mustering her strength, and then she knocked.

She waited in a daze and after a minute the door opened.

To reveal a man in a polo shirt and flip-flops.

"Hi," he said. "What can I do for you?"

Alice blinked and tried to slow the spinning of her head. The man was tall and muscular and he had short dark hair and a friendly smile. When she spoke her voice came out very quietly.

"Does Bella live here?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm her husband. What's up?"

Alice let out a breath and reeled backward. The man chuckled and reached to steady her.

"Whoa, you okay?"

His hand was hovering about an inch from her shoulder. As if he wouldn't presume to touch her but still wanted to make the gesture. Alice swallowed something in her throat and shook her head and opened her mouth to reply when a different voice came from inside the house.

"Baby, who is it?"

Bella's voice. Calling this man baby.

Bella appeared in the doorway beside him and her face drained as she laid eyes on Alice.

"Oh my god," she said.

The man raised his eyebrows and looked between them. Alice's eyes had filled with tears and now she wheeled away and staggered off across the lawn.

"Alice!" Bella called. "Alice, wait!"

Alice felt a hand grab her arm and she snatched it away and spun around.

"Husband, Bella? Husband?!"

Bella also had tears in her eyes and she was already skirting toward hysteria. "I'm so sorry, Alice. I wanted to tell you. So many times I wanted to tell you. But I just couldn't. I didn't want to hurt you."

"This whole time. This whole time you were married."

"Yes, but…"

Alice laughed in shock. A joyless titter that shredded Bella's insides. Jake was standing there on the porch, watching them in concern, and Bella tried to touch Alice's shoulder.

"Alice, I…"

Alice flinched away from the hand and then bent over with her hands on her knees.

"Oh god," she said. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"Alice, it's complicated."

"Complicated."

"Alice, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I needed to be sure. I couldn't destroy my marriage, my family, over something that might've just been a phase. But it wasn't a phase. I love you, Alice. You have to believe me."

Bella reached again for Alice's shoulder and again Alice flinched away.

"You know, Bella," she said. "I thought you were different. I really did. But you're not. You're worse than every woman I ever dated. And that's saying a lot."

"Alice…"

"Get away from me. Don't ever talk to me again."

Bella stood there on the lawn as Alice stumbled onto the sidewalk and continued toward her car. She watched the girl retreat until she had gotten into the car and then the car pulled away from the curb and turned around and started up the block toward the city.

Jake gone down from the porch and now he was standing beside Bella.

"So that was Alice?" he asked.

Bella nodded blankly. Jake was watching the Volkswagen disappear around the corner and then he glanced at Bella with a small quirk of a smile.

"She's hot," he said.

Bella gave him a look that was something like an eyeroll and then she trudged back into the house.

For the rest of the night she hardly spoke a word but the kids didn't seem to notice anything wrong. She had sent a couple texts and called a few times but she didn't expect Alice to reply and Alice didn't.

After dinner Jake went a put to movie on for the kids while Bella stacked the dishes in the washer. She was drying her hands with a dishtowel when Jake came in.

"You should probably get an early night tonight, babe," he said.

"What about the kids?"

"I'll put em to bed. You just get some rest."

Bella sighed and tossed the dishtowel onto the counter. He was watching her with genuine sympathy and she felt echoes of old love among the waves of guilt and self-loathing. Finally she nodded.

"Thanks, Jake," she said, and kissed his cheek as she went past.

Sleep didn't come easily that night but she was glad to just be in bed. In the dark. Here in the dusty spare room with her sockfeet hanging outside the tiny bed. She had tried calling Alice again but again Alice didn't answer.

Out in the corridor she could hear Jake putting the kids to bed. Joking around with them. Explaining that mommy had a headache. The door to the spare room was open just a crack and he peeped in as he went by as if Bella was yet another child.

"You gonna be okay, Bells?" he asked quietly.

Bella was laying on her side and she could see his silhouette. "I don't know."

Jake hesitated in the doorway and then he came in and knelt by the bed. "Look," he said. "Just give her some time to cool off, alright? She'll understand why you had to lie. I mean, it wasn't the smartest thing in the world you could do, but it was a difficult thing you were going through. If someone like me can understand, I'm sure someone like her can too."

Bella looked at him and blinked back tears in the dimness.

"I'm so sorry, Jake," she whispered.

Jake chuckled once and stroked her hair.

"Me too," he said. "Sleep tight."

Then he placed a kiss in her hair and rose and pulled the door closed on his way out.

Over the next week she gave Alice some space. She kept hoping for a call but no call came. The anxiety got worse and worse until finally, during her lunchbreak, she went to the Starbucks were Alice worked.

The bell rang as she pushed open the glassdoor and again as it swung closed. She scanned the waitresses but she couldn't see Alice. Instead she saw the tall black woman she had met a couple times before. Zafrina.

Zafrina had noticed Bella as she came in and she was glaring with dark ebony eyes as she wiped down a table. Bella went over.

"Hey," she said. "Is Alice here?"

"No."

"Well, where is she?"

"She's in Europe. And if beating the shit out of people wasn't illegal I'd throw you through that plateglass window right now. So why don't you just get out and don't come back."

Bella nodded at that vaguely. She turned to leave but then she turned back.

"If you talk to her, can you tell her one thing?"

Zafrina glared with her arms folded. "What?"

"That I loved her and I never meant to hurt her."

"Fine," Zafrina said. "Now get out."

Bella nodded and flickered a weak smile and then she turned and pushed out of the coffeeshop with the door tingling and sweeping closed behind her.

—

 **AN: Shorter chapter, but how could I resist a cliffy like that? Of course, in a novel you wouldn't have to wait three days, lol. Still, perfect place for a scene break. Alice found out and jumped ship. Bit rash, but obviously she's very hurt. New chapter soon. :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Glad you guys like Jake. I picked him instead of Edward because most people are gonna hate Edward no matter what. My friend and I always talked about using Emmett for the role, but Jake seemed to make more sense fanfiction-wise.**

—

Chapter 6:

—

In the weeks and months to follow there was nothing to do but simply get on with her life as best she could. Christmas came and went. No snow but lots of rain. Season of sadness and heartcrushed loneliness. Foolhardy dreams of chasing the girl to Paris. Impossible.

She moved back into her husband's bed in a final attempt to salvage her marriage but that didn't last long. Alice was gone but nothing had changed. She was still unattracted to men. Still unattracted to her husband.

By February the separation was no longer temporary. The exercise equipment was moved out of the spare room. A proper doublebed was moved in. More furniture. Nightstand. Lamp. Some prettier curtains for the window. They spoke of divorce but money was an issue. Their priority was the kids and they were both willing to put their lives on hold for a while until the kids had finished school or until some other opportunity came up.

For a long time she was resigned to being alone for the rest of her life. Alice was gone and there seemed to be no hope, no chance, no possibility, of ever falling in love the same way she had fell in love with Alice. Alice had been special. A literal dream. But like all dreams it was only a matter of time till you woke up into reality and by warm weather she found herself giving thought to moving on. Meeting someone. Alice was something she would never ever forget but Bella needed more than a memory. She had turned thirty-nine years old last month and thirty-eight of those years had been squandered under the wrong orientation, wrong marriage, wrong family. She had precious little time to put things right and she owed it to herself to at least try.

It was a daunting prospect but she had her endlessly supportive husband to help her through it. The first time she went to a gay bar he was right there with her. The bar was mixed, a dim dancefloor with all kinds of creatures awash in the neon, and Jake with his broad physique and chiselled smile seemed to have more luck with the boys than Bella had with any of the girls. She went home early and quite jealous and the next week she signed up on a website instead.

Not long after she met a woman named Esme. They traded messages for a while before finally deciding to meet up for drinks. The date went extremely well and they had sex that same night. It had been a very long time for Bella and the release of repression was almost as intense as her first time with Alice. Almost.

They dated for months, just casually. No secrets. Bella provided full disclosure about her husband and kids and her living arrangements. Esme herself was divorced from a man and formerly straight—it had been on her dating profile—and she was quite sympathetic. She was a school teacher and a voluptuous one at that. Caramel colored hair. Large breasts. Heavy hips. She owned a vibrator that Bella was more than happy to experiment with and she was exactly what Bella needed at that point in her life.

Jake had met someone as well. A trashy biker chick named Leah who had rolled up at his autoshop on a Harley. Exactly the thing to help a man through a mid-life crisis after his wife comes out as gay.

By the time the weather turned cold again Bella was…content. She was taking care of her family, she had an understanding girlfriend, and there seemed to be actual hope for happiness in the future. Yet even after all this time she couldn't forget Alice. It had been almost a full year since she had left and her internship would be over soon. She thought about that a lot and wondered if she would ever see her again. If she would return to the city and they would perhaps bump into each other at the gym. The way they had first met. She doubted it but it was nice to dream. Perhaps that's all the girl had ever been. Just a dream.

Regardless she still went to the gym every day and every day she would scan the interior just in case. Emerging from the locker rooms with her gym bag over her shoulder and glancing over toward the treadmills. One time she saw a girl with a short black pixiecut and her heart skipped a beat. But it wasn't Alice. Just some other girl.

At night she would go on dates with Esme. Simple dates to the movies or to dinner. Esme was a wonderfully uncomplicated woman and the two of them were a perfect fit. Perhaps it wasn't exactly love but it was certainly respect and companionship.

And the sex was fantastic. Exploring each other's bodies with passion and communication, maturity. Flirting, touching, licking, explaining what they wanted and setting about it with little shame or shyness.

One night they did something kinky with a can of whipped cream, giggling like girls as they licked large dollops of white foam from each other's nipples, and afterwards they threw on some clothes and heated up some apple pie in the kitchen for a late dessert. They squirted cream over their slices of pie and then sat on the floor with forks and traded bites and giggled some more. Esme was wearing nothing but a loosely buttoned blouse and panties and Bella was wearing the dress she had worn on the date only unzipped and rumpled. They left the refrigerator door open for light and somehow or other the conversation turned toward their husbands.

"My only regret is that it took me so long to leave him," Esme was saying. "When I think about all the years that I wasted…"

Bella nodded, fork in her mouth. She could relate to that. "I guess it was a blessing in disguise you never had kids."

"Well, the clock isn't up yet. Still plenty of time to have a family."

Esme patted her tummy. Bella smiled.

"One family is more than enough for me," she said. "I don't think I'd have the energy for another one. If I went through labour again it would probably kill me."

"Tell you what, if we ever end up married, I'll do the child bearing."

"Deal."

They shared a laugh and finished up their pie, relaxing on the kitchen in the glow of the open refrigerator, half naked, unshowered and sticky under their clothes from all the cream.

"So do you have to get home?" Esme asked, using a finger to mop up the last bit of cream on her plate.

"Yeah, I'd better. The kids are probably waiting for me."

"I wish you could stay over sometimes."

"Me too."

"Do you ever picture yourself divorced? Leaving him properly?"

"One day, I guess."

Esme had taken Bella's plate and now she rose and put them in the sink. Bella rose as well. Esme turned to her for her kiss goodnight and Bella cupped the nape of her neck. They were almost equal height, equal build, equal age. Esme still wearing earrings. Her hair messy. Faint hint of perfume about her. Bella smiled and sometimes she still thought it was so awesome to be a lesbian.

"Thanks for the amazing night," she said, and then she pressed a kiss onto Esme's lips.

It was just past midnight when she got home and she found the kids in the living room playing videogames with Jake. They were bouncing up and down on the sofa with controllers in their hands as explosions boomed on the screen and none of them looked even remotely ready for bed. Bella put her hands on her hips.

"What are you kids still doing up?"

Jake answered with his eyes fixed on the screen and his thumb tapping at the controller frantically. "We didn't think you were coming home."

"That's not a reason."

He opened his mouth again but only a groan came out. The boys cheered and pumped their fists. It seemed the boys were teamed up against Nessie and Jake and now Nessie pouted and handed the controller toward Bella.

"Mommy, you play," she said. "I suck."

Bella took the controller with one hand and patted Nessie's head with the other. She sat next to Jake and used the controller to set up another game.

"If daddy and I win, everyone goes to bed, got that?"

The boys looked at each other in alarm and whispered together.

"Don't let them win."

"You don't either."

The match was underway, Bella and Jake side by side on the couch, Nessie on Jake's lap. The boys on the floor, silent now with such high stakes at play. One of the boys was coming at Jake with a rocketlauncher but Bella drove him off with a machinegun.

"Thanks, babe," Jake said.

"Don't mention it."

"Have fun with Esme?"

"Oh, the usual. Dinner. Movie."

"Think you can watch the kids tomorrow night so I can see Leah?"

"Sure."

"You know, Leah's bi."

Bella looked at him dryly. Jake grinned and held up his hands.

"Just saying."

The boys tried to take advantage of this distraction but they were no match for the seasoned husband and wife team and minutes later they groaned in defeat. Nessie clapped excitedly.

"Yay! Go mommy!"

Bella stood up and dropped the controller onto the sofa.

"Okay, bedtime," she said. "Let's go. Have you boys brushed your teeth?"

"Yes," they said together.

Bella glanced at Jake to verify this. Jake shook his head. Bella snorted at her lying little boys and clapped her hands to get them moving.

"Into the bathroom," she said. "Let's go, hurry up."

The boys dumped their controllers and trooped away. Jake was taking the disc out of the console and switching everything off.

"I'm gonna have to have a shower," Bella said, tugging at the front of her dress. "My boobs are sticky."

"Why your boobs sticky?"

"Whipped cream."

"What were you—oh. Yum."

Bella smirked and turned and followed the boys into the bathroom.

She got their teeth brushed and then told them to go get changed for bed while she took a quick shower. She emerged from the bathroom wearing a robe and a towel around her head—she had to wash her hair as well because it was clumpy from whipped cream—and the boys still weren't ready. One of them was kicking a soccer ball at the wall, just practicing, until she intercepted and tackled the ball away and told them to get in bed. They climbed under the covers and one of them fell asleep right away but the other required her to sit with him for a while. She stroked his hair and apologized for coming home so late.

"Where were you?" he asked in a voice that was finally beginning to get sleepy.

"Just out, baby."

"Where?"

"At Esme's house. You remember Esme, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Do you like her?"

"I guess so."

"That's good. She and mommy are very special friends."

"Mommy, why do you and dad sleep in different beds?"

Bella cringed at the abrupt subject change but adapted before he could notice. "I already told you, baby. Mommy snores."

"I've never heard you snore."

"Well, sometimes mommies and daddies just need a little space."

"Why?"

"Well. Lots of reasons. But it doesn't mean they don't love each other. Sometimes it's _because_ they love each other that they give each other space."

"Dad said he does it for you."

"Your dad is a very good man."

Bella leaned down and placed a kiss on his brow. Blonde boy, very delicate. Large blue eyes. She smiled at him and stroked his hair a little more.

"Now go to sleep," she whispered. "Night, baby."

"Night, mom."

Bella rose and checked on the other boy who was laying on his side in the lamplight. He was asleep and she gave him a kiss before switching off the lamp and blowing another kiss to her other son who was watching to make sure she left the door open a little bit.

Bella yawned deeply as she made her way back to her room. What a night. Inside her room she shed her robe and put on her sleepwear and sat at the dresser to do her skin creams. She was almost finished when her husband came in and tapped at the door softly with his knuckles.

"Hey," he said. "Before you go to sleep, I was wondering if we could talk."

"Sure. What is it?"

"Things are getting a bit serious with Leah. I figure the next step is letting her get to know the kids."

"I guess that makes sense. Replace the old mother with the new one."

Jake chuckled. "Nobody's replacing you, babe."

"I know, I know," she said with a smile. "But sometimes there's just nothing to say except snide remarks, right?"

"Well, you know what they say. Marriage is hard. Divorce is harder."

"Do they actually say that?"

"I don't know, I made it up. Besides, I don't think things are gonna get too serious with Leah. She's too young for an old man like me."

"I know how that feels. But don't be too sure. Girls dig a dilf these days," she said, giving him a wink in the mirror with skincream all over her face.

Jake smiled and turned to leave.

Days passed but Jake never did introduce Leah to the kids. He offered but she wasn't interested. Bella herself had only spoke to her a couple times and then one night, at about two in the morning while having a drink of water in the kitchen, Jake and Leah came tiptoeing down the corridor. Jake was wearing only shorts and Leah was wearing a leather miniskirt, leather boots, and a leather jacket. She had a metal ring through a pierced lip and a stud in her eyebrow and part of a tribal tattoo snaked up her neck. Bella was standing there in the dark of the kitchen, glass to the lips, wearing nothing but panties and a t-shirt. Leah saw her and smirked and let her sexy dark eyes rake over Bella's body before tossing her chin to say goodnight. Bella gulped the water and nodded back. Jake showed her out through the front door and came back into the kitchen with a cocky grin. Bella had a weakness for trashy looking tough chicks and she couldn't help smiling.

"So she's bi, huh?" she asked in a whisper.

"Yep."

"And down for threeways?"

"Totally."

"Maybe I should invite her out with me and Esme."

"Exactly what I was—hey, wait."

Bella giggled and set her empty glass on the sink and flipped off the light.

"Night, Jake."

"Night, Bells."

The next day was Sunday and Sundays were always melancholy for her. Even now, a year later, she still thought of it as gym day. That one day of the week where she was guaranteed to see Alice. Back before they had met and coordinated their schedules. Sunday morning was the only day she could be absolutely sure Alice would be there.

While driving to the gym she still felt those same old butterflies. Alice would be back from Paris any time now. There was probably no chance at all the girl would resume going to the gym, especially knowing who would be there, but Bella couldn't help wondering. A thin hope, a frail one, trembling deep in her tummy with the butterflies circling it like moths around a flame. She would give anything to see her again. Anything. For a chance to explain. To apologize. That's all she wanted. Just one more meeting. No matter how much she tried to move on there was just nothing she craved more.

During her workout she looked up occasionally but of course the girl was not there. The playlist on her iPod had changed a lot since those days. Less upbeat. More somber. She looked down again and closed her eyes and cycled and sweated with sad music in her ears and wondered if Alice ever thought about her. If Alice even remembered her. Was it possible the girl could even miss her? Bella doubted it. What was there to miss? Secrecy. Lies. Bella shook her head with sweat dripping from her face like tears. She never did deserve a girl like Alice.

After finishing her workout she drove to the coffeeshop where Alice used to work. Usually she would just drive by slowly while checking through the plateglass window but this time she pulled up and went in.

Inside was lively with that familiar smell of cinnamon and roasted coffeebeans. Waitresses in their aprons went back and forth with coffeepots or trays of mugs. Bella scanned them all quickly but none of them were Alice. She turned to the counter and there she did recognize someone. Zafrina. The tall black woman seemed to recognize her as well but this time she didn't glare. This time she seemed cautiously surprised. Bella smiled at her and went over.

"Hey," she said. "Long time no see. Could I get a latte to go, please?"

Zafrina nodded slowly. "Coming up."

Bella waited while the other woman made the latte. Pulling a lever on the coffeemachine for white foam to spit into a cup. Glancing at Bella. A minute later she came back and placed the latte on the counter. Bella took a ten dollar bill out of her purse and handed it over.

"Hey, um, I was just wondering," she said. "Is Alice back from Europe?"

Zafrina shook her head as she rung up the register.

"Any idea when?" Bella asked.

Zafrina looked at her for a minute and then handed over the change. "Who knows," she said. "I doubt she'd come back to work here, anyway."

Bella nodded. She could tell the black woman probably knew a lot more than that and just didn't want to tell her. Protecting her friend. Bella's eyes prickled but she could understand.

"Okay," she said. "Well…see you."

Zafrina nodded and watched the woman walk away. Head down. Shrouded up in a long black coat. She watched until she was outside and watched her go by the window and then she let out a sigh and shook her head.

—

Alice in Paris was one of the happiest times in her life and one of the saddest. She never did forget Bella or how badly Bella had hurt her but the City of Love was the perfect place to put it all behind her.

The internship was everything she thought it would be and she had little time for depression. The offices of the magazine were populated with women of power who strode the cubicles in high heels and high fashion and gave orders in French until they got to Alice who received her orders in heavily accented, and sexy, English. With her camera she was dispatched to various photoshoots all over the city, in rain or shine, photographing the models in their gowns and outlandish hats as they posed on the Pont des Arts bridge that spanned the River Seine, or at the Arc de Triomphe, or in the courtyards surrounding the glass pyramid of the Louvre.

Her hard work and enthusiasm and cute but fumbling attempts at speaking French soon won her much favor around the office and she became something of an American pet. They referred to her as The Alice and patted her on her head and said she was _fille chez les filles_ , a girl among girls.

She had a very cheap apartment that she loved very much on the corner of Lacroix. Only two rooms and a bathroom but a view through the only window of the Seine with the Eiffel Tower in the background against the clouds. The furnishings were shabby but she felt that only lent to its charm. The floor was covered in discarded clothes and the wall was covered in photographs she'd taken at work. Her nights were spent at a small desk with a scrap book where she would doodle and color designs of her own, things inspired by things she'd seen on photoshoots.

She didn't expect to fall in love again so soon after everything that had happened but she did fall into quite a bit of lust. Within her first month abroad she had become bestfriends with a fabulous French girl who was blonde and a total snob to everyone but Alice. With the small American girl she was affectionate and flirty and upon discovering they were both lesbians the French girl instantly declared they were soulmates and must have sex.

The months that followed were incredible. Photoshoots by day and dates by night. Dining at fine French restaurants, snails and frogs legs followed by Crème Brulee for dessert. Walks along the river in the rose hued lamplight. Making out in public and giggling at the stares, pawing at each other in the backs of busses. Prowling the gay clubs in slutty dresses and even sluttier heels. A drunken threeway one night with a German brunette named Bridget. Festivals for the arts on the weekend or afternoon dates at cafes. Coffee and roses in vases and tiny slices of cake on white table cloths while a man in a beret played an accordion with the Eiffel Tower in the misty distance.

Yet though all these months she never forgot Bella. Lying in bed with Adele she would sometimes tell her about it while sharing a French cigarette. About the woman in America named Bella. Who she had met at the gym and fell in love with. Who turned out to be married with two young boys. Adele was aghast at such a betrayal and she hissed such vile insults in French about Bella that Alice smiled and giggled and stubbed out the cigarette before lowering her mouth to the French girl's lips.

It was only a casual relationship, however, and as the internship drew to a close there wasn't any talk of long distance or staying together. Part of Alice wanted to stay in Paris forever but she knew it was time to move on once more.

The day before Alice had to return to America they had one last afternoon out. The weather was cold and they were each clad in berets and stylish coats and they made a circuit of the city with their arms linked before deciding on a whim to climb the Eiffel Tower.

They rode the elevator to the top and emerged onto the observatory. The sky was covered in clouds and the city of Paris stretched away for miles in all directions. Alice stood at the rail and smiled at the landmarks she recognized. The Palace of Versailles. The Seine. Adele had been troubled all day and it was her way of dealing with it to be as theatrical as possible.

"Oh, Aleece," she said in her thick French accent. "Mon Cherie. I love you so much. I cannot bare to be separated."

"You'll be alright, Adele."

"Non, I will never be. I must follow you to America, that is what I must do."

Alice laughed. "Oh god, no. This is my only chance to get rid of you."

Adele gasped with a hand to her mouth. "Get rid of Adele? How could you be so mean? Adele will be devastated without you. I will throw myself off of ze Tower!"

She made this pronouncement while flinging herself at the rail. Alice giggled and grabbed her arm. Tourists were glancing at them.

"No, Adele," Alice said in a playfully pleading voice. "Not over me."

"I will do it!"

"No, please."

"But I cannot bare to be without you!"

Alice laughed and pulled the other girl into a hug. The sudden warmth took them both by surprise and she hugged her for a long time there on top of the tower with the wind stirring their hair under their berets and then finally she released her and smiled.

"Thank you, Adele," she said.

"For what, mon amour?"

"For being so amazing this last year. After everything that happened back home with Bella…"

"Ack! Do not mention the American witch! You are here with Adele now. Together we are happy all ze time. You will stay in Paris and we will have babies together."

"Babies?"

"Oui, babies. Many babies. We will have a petite Aleece and a petite Adele and they will wear only the finest of Paris fashion. Designer diapers! It is a must."

Alice smiled and looked at her for a long moment. Cheap yet aristocratic blonde girl with florid red lipstick on her lips. Alice cupped her face.

"I'm gonna miss you a lot, Adele," she said.

Adele smiled and allowed herself to sober for a moment. "As will I."

Alice pressed a kiss onto her mouth and held it there.

By the time she got back to her apartment that night there were some messages from Zafrina on her laptop. Most of her apartment was already packed up. Everything in boxes. Ready to be shipped out tomorrow morning. An overnight bag for her to carry on the plane. She checked the messages and sent some back and soon she was sitting crosslegged on her bed with a bowl of cereal and video chatting with Zafrina. Mostly they talked about how excited they were to see each other again and when Zafrina was supposed to pick her up at the airport but after a while Zafrina drifted onto a different topic.

"Hey, um…something happened today," she said. "I'm not sure if I should tell you."

"What is it?"

"That woman came into the coffeeshop the other day. Bella."

Alice froze with the spoon halfway to her mouth. The face of her friend was watching her intently from the laptop screen. Alice lowered the spoon back into the bowl.

"What did she want?" she asked.

"Nothing," Zafrina said. "Just asked about you and left again."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her you were still in Europe. She asked when you were coming back, but I told her I didn't know."

"You didn't tell her I'd be back tomorrow?"

"No. I didn't know if I should."

Alice nodded and sat there with the bowl in her lap. Bella hadn't forgotten her. Even after all this time. She didn't know how she should feel about that.

"Alice? You alright?"

"Yeah," Alice said. "Just thinking."

"I hope you're not thinking about what I think you're thinking about."

"I was thinking maybe I should see her again."

"That's what I was afraid of. What for?"

"I don't know. To apologize."

"Apologize? Why the hell should you apologize?"

"I don't know. I mean, it couldn't have been easy for her. What she was going through. I shouldn't have left the way I did. I should've at least let her explain and told her it was alright. Said goodbye as friends. I don't want her to think she's a bad person."

"But she is, Alice. There's no excuse for lying to you the way she did. Or cheating on her husband. If she cheated on him, she could cheat on anyone. Bottom line, she's not trustworthy."

"I know, but…"

"No buts, Alice. You did the right thing."

Alice sighed and stirred her bowl of cereal. "Yeah, I guess. The sad thing is, she could've just told me. I would've understood. I would've even helped her through it. I wonder if she's still married by now? She was definitely gay. It wasn't just me."

"Who knows. Listen, what time you need me at the airport again?"

"Subtle subject change there, Zaf."

"Sorry."

"It's alright. The plane lands at about ten in the morning. You sure you don't mind me crashing at your place for a while?"

"Of course not. It'll be fun."

"Thanks, Zaf. You've always been so dependable. So together. How come I never tried dating you? You're so much better than the average chick I date."

"You ain't hot enough for me, babe."

Alice stuck her tongue out at the screen. The image of Zafrina chuckled.

"Look," she said. "Just forget about that Bella chick, okay? You don't owe her anything."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

"Of course I am. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

"Alright. Thanks, Zaf."

Alice closed the laptop and spooned up some soggy cereal. She glanced across the room and looked out the window. It was dark out there and she could see the shape of the Eiffel Tower. Centred in the middle of the frame and illuminated in the blackness like a pillar of light. She looked at it for a long time and dabbed her chin with her sleeve and inside, deep down, it felt like the only reason she was even going home again was to see Bella.

—

 **AN: I didn't want to dwell on them being apart too long, but I felt the separation was necessary in order to demonstrate how serious their feelings are. It takes a special kind of woman to keep you preoccupied for an entire year after she's gone. Trust me, I'd know. Or else I wouldn't even be writing this. Anyway, hope you liked it. New chapter soon.**


	7. Chapter 7

—

Chapter 7:

—

At the airport she was greeted by not only Zafrina but her parents as well. They had come to surprise her and they gave her big hugs and followed her back to Zafrina's place and helped her unpack. Christmas was right around the corner and they made her promise to come visit.

The magazine had set her up with a job at the American offices and she started work right away, no longer an intern but a professional fashion photographer. Zafrina was still working at the coffeeshop and putting away for grad school. Living together strengthened their friendship and when Christmas came around Alice took Zafrina with her to stay with her folks upstate for a couple days. There was only one room and one bed that they had to share and sometimes their eyes would catch and tentative smiles would cross their lips. One night they even shared a kiss but it only lasted a moment or two before Alice pushed at Zafrina's chest gently before confessing there was another woman she couldn't stop thinking about.

Back in the city she renewed her membership at the gym and got changed and came back out the locker rooms in all new gymwear. Spandex tights of pastel pink and a white tanktop with little more coverage than a bra. She made her way to the treadmills, glancing about. Nobody she recognized. Men in muscle tops. Women taking a Tai Bo class in the corner.

Her schedule at the magazine didn't allow her to go everyday but she went as often as she could. She had gained a couple pounds overseas and she could use the exercise. She added some weight training to her routine and she was already developing some nice little biceps.

For a long time she kept an eye on the rest of the gym but it had been two weeks and no sign of her. Bella. Alice wasn't sure how to feel about that. She supposed there weren't many people in the world who stuck with the same gym for over two years straight but still. For some reason the idea of her abandoning the gym was very sad. Bella had loved her workouts. She often said it was the one place where she could let go and be herself. Not finding her here felt like maybe the woman had given up. Felt like she had been defeated. Alice finished her rep with the dumbbell and sat up and mopped her forehead with a towel. She looked out across the gym but there was still nothing. She wondered if maybe she should just call or even just pop over her house but part of her also wondered if it was for the best that she hadn't found her here.

—

Bella had quit going to the gym shortly after her last conversation with Zafrina. Instead she made do with the exercise bike in her room and parking twenty minutes from her office for two long walks every day. It was supposed to help her forget about Alice but the effect was exactly the opposite: it only made her think about Alice even more.

It was mid-February when she renewed her gym membership. She knew there was never going to be any chance of finding the girl here but she didn't care. Perhaps it was only the gesture that mattered. The sentiment. Clad in a black hoody with the hood up and haunting the gym like a ghost in search of some lost love who would never return. Bella smiled to herself as she climbed onto the cycle and started peddling. Slowly at first and then faster. Faster. Racing on the spot and moving nowhere. Much like life itself. Always going yet never gaining, frozen in motion, the hiss of the wheelbelt slithering in her ears under the low melody in her iPod.

A few days later she looked up and saw Alice.

The feeling that washed over her was so cold. So unreal. Slowly she stopped pedalling and sat there. Alice. Alice was over there and she was exactly the same as she remembered. Almost. Her hair was a little longer in the front. Stylishly swept aside. Bathed in the sunlight that spilled through the glassceiling. Encased in her own little nimbus of light like a dream wandered into reality. She was doing some stretches over by the treadmills and now she bent over to touch her toes and displayed an ass that was round and perfect and wrapped in skintight pink spandex.

Bella fell off the bike.

Literally.

Just slipped off as if all her bones had been liquefied. She landed on a hip and a woman on a nearby bike laughed and asked if she was alright. Bella nodded and pulled out her earbuds and climbed back onto the bike. Her limbs were weak and feverish. Her heart seemed to be beating the wrong way. Backwards or sideways. She had half expect the girl to have dissolved back into the desperate longing of her imagination from where it had to have come but now the girl was looking over. She seemed to have noticed the woman's tumble and she was smiling.

Bella tried to pedal but her legs wouldn't work. They kept trying to go backwards. She swallowed and tried not to look at the girl. She was afraid to. When she did look up she saw the girl was coming over. She stopped pedalling again and waited with the whole world wheeling all around her.

"Hey," the girl said.

Bella nodded jerkily. "Hi."

"You still come here, huh?"

"Yeah. I stopped for a while, but uh…" She chuckled and patted her stomach. "Still need those abs."

"You look pretty good to me."

"You too. Did you enjoy Paris?"

"Yeah. Finished my internship."

"That's great."

Alice nodded. They fell silent. Bella sat there with her heart hammering and the pulse in her throat on the verge of bursting. She could hear the clank of weight gear. The dancetrack from the speakers. Everything electric. Humming in her head.

Alice was looking at the floor and now she looked up.

"Listen," she said. "I wanted to apologize for how I took off way back when. I shouldn't have just left like that."

"You're apologizing? To me?"

The girl smiled and shrugged. Bella was stunned. Mouth open. Blinking.

"So how've you been?" the girl asked.

"Um, okay, I guess."

"Still married?"

"Yeah. Well, no. Separated. We got separated a while back but we're holding off on divorce. The kids are still in school and…"

Bella trailed off with a seeping feeling of shame in her stomach. Alice should not have to listen to that shit. Bella climbed off the bike and looked at Alice with tears in her eyes.

"Alice, I'm so sorry," she said. "What I did was unforgivable."

Alice shrugged it off. "It's alright."

"No, it's not. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to lie to you, but I was just so afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Everything. Losing you. Losing my family. Everything. No matter what I did, it was wrong. There was just nothing I could do."

"You could've told me the truth. I would've even helped you through it."

"I couldn't do that to you."

"So instead you lied to me? You thought that would work out better?"

"I'm sorry, Alice."

Alice shook her head, upset for a moment, but then she forced it away and smiled. "Well, it was a long time ago. It doesn't matter. I'm just happy to see you again."

Bella couldn't believe what she was hearing. Alice had forgiven her. Alice was happy to see her. Bella swallowed and gave a wet little chuckle.

"Me too," she said. "I'm happy to see you too."

"You wanna get a drink and catch up properly?"

"Sure."

"No lies this time?"

"No lies this time."

—

Zafrina froze with the coffeepot when she looked up and saw Alice and Bella enter the shop like old friends, smiling, chatting, taking off their coats. They took a table together and Zafrina stared for a while before coming over to serve them with a flare of her eyes at Alice as if to ask what the hell she was doing.

They ordered lattes and a couple biscotti. It was like a mirror image of their first date only this time with no reason to keep secrets. Zafrina set their lattes on the table and gave Alice another look. Alice only smiled as if she knew what she was doing. Bella smiled as well and gave the black woman a nod as she went away.

"So," Alice said, settling with her elbows on the table. "You said you were still married?"

"Kind of, yeah. Separated. Different bedrooms. We're holding off on divorce because of the kids. Neither of us can afford the house on our own and we'd hate to pull them out of school."

"I take it that means you've finally figured yourself out?"

"Well, it's not like I had much choice."

"I suppose I should be flattered that I made such a strong impression on you."

"You have no idea."

Alice giggled. The sound of it tingled in Bella's chest. The sweetest sound she ever heard.

"So what about you?" Bella asked. "What did you get up to in Paris?"

"Oh, mostly working. And partying. And drinking. And having lots of fun."

"Did you ever get homesick?"

"Not really. I made sure to skype with my parents at least once every week and Zafrina was always calling or texting. The only thing I actually missed was…"

Alice managed to stop herself but she couldn't quite stop her hand from gesturing toward Bella. She lowered it again awkwardly and scratched the back of her neck. Bella smiled and sipped her latte.

"Anyway," Alice said. "Tell me more about what's been going on with you? I've been curious. In a way, this is like the first time I've ever met you."

"Well, it's all pretty boring. Just life. Actually, I did meet someone."

"You did?"

"Yeah, it was about six months after you left. I signed up at a dating site. Her name's Esme. We have a lot in common. She was married when she realized she was gay, so she knows what it's like."

"That's great. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks."

A bit of awkward silence ensued. Alice looked down into her latte. Bella desperately tried to analyse that look. Was the girl disappointed she had a girlfriend? Had she been hoping to rekindle the relationship?

Finally a small laugh came out of the girl and she looked up.

"Well," she said. "At least you didn't lie about it this time."

"I'll never lie to you again."

"Is it serious with you and this girl?"

"I don't know. It wasn't supposed to be. Our dating profiles both specified casual. We both had so much going on in our lives. We didn't want the commitment."

"So it's not serious?"

"I guess not. I mean, we have a lot of fun together and we really like each other, but…"

Bella shrugged and trailed off. Alice nodded, deep in thought for a moment, and then she chuckled.

"Maybe I should try a dating site too," she said. "I've been back for months and I still haven't met anyone."

"Try the one I'm using. Lots of nice girls. And they have a very sophisticated search system. You type in your criteria and it directs you to your perfect match. Or at least something close."

"That wouldn't help me. It would probably just direct me to YOUR profile."

"Oh, you wouldn't be looking for someone like me."

"Why not? Hot older woman with a good career. Who promised never lie to me again. Sounds pretty perfect to me."

"Aside from the husband and kids and the girlfriend, you mean."

"Yeah," Alice said with a giggle. "Aside from that."

Bella smiled and looked down. Alice was tilting back the last of her latte and then she rose from her chair.

"I'm gonna go get a refill," she said. "I'll be right back."

Bella nodded and watched her move off to the counter. Zafrina was pouring coffee at a nearby table and now that Bella was alone she leaned over with a dark look.

"If you hurt her again, I really will throw you through that window," she said. "You get me?"

Bella smiled at her and nodded. Zafrina held her eyes for a moment, gauging her sincerity, and then she turned back to her customer.

Alice came back over with a latte and a smile and sat down.

"So where were we?" she asked.

—

A few afternoons later Bella went to see Esme at Green Lakes Elementary School after work. School had just let out and she found Esme upstairs in her classroom. She taught third graders and the desks were hardly knee high and the chairs like little miniatures of chairs. Finger paintings tacked to the wall. Macaroni models. Esme was erasing the whiteboard and she looked tired and very happy to see Bella.

"Hey, honey," she said. "What's up?"

Bella came forward guiltily. "Actually, a lot."

Esme noted her tone of voice and lost her smile. She finished up wiping clean the white board and then she laid down the eraser and turned to her girlfriend.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

Bella took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry, Esme," she said. "But something happened. Remember the girl I told you about? Alice?"

"The girl you met at the gym?"

"Yeah. Well. She's back."

Esme didn't seem to understand for a second. Then she looked at the other woman's face and that made it clearer. She leaned a hip on the edge of her desk.

"Oh," she said quietly.

"I know this is such a shitty thing to do, but…"

Bella exhaled and shook her head but no matter how awful this was she had to be honest. No more lies. To anyone. Esme was taking off her glasses. Bella looked at her sadly.

"This is exactly what I've been waiting for, Esme," she said. "What I've been praying for. For over a year, it's been all I ever thought about. Just one more chance. Now she's back and I actually have that second chance and this time I have to do right by her."

"It's alright," Esme said, not looking at her. "I understand. This was never supposed to be serious, anyway. I thought maybe it was heading that way, but…"

Bella sighed and shook her head at herself. "God, I'm just the worst woman in the world, aren't I?"

"Well, at least you never got drunk and hit me like my husband did," Esme said with an attempt at a chuckle. "So it's still an improvement."

Bella stepped forward and placed one last kiss on the corner of Esme's mouth.

"Thanks for everything, Esme."

"Don't mention it. What do you want me to do with your stuff at the apartment?"

"Can I come by tonight and pick it up?"

"Sure. I'll guess I'll see you around then."

"You too."

Esme gave an awkward nod and a smile and Bella smiled as well before turning and continuing out of the classroom.

Two nights later Bella had to borrow Jake's bedroom to get ready. Stepping into her finest pair of black panties and slipping into her best black dress. Sitting at the dresser to do her makeup. Lipstick, eyeliner, mascara. Applying each as carefully as possible. Her heart fluttering with anticipation. On the surface of the dresser were some of her old things. Bottles of nailpolish. Women's bodyspray. Rags of pantyhose used to wipe makeup. A framed photograph of her and Jake. Jake had never gotten rid of them even though she hadn't used this room in over a year. She smiled at the photo for a moment and then she capped the mascara and rose and started packing her purse.

Jake came in while she was putting on her shoes and looked at her and winced from how hot she was.

"Whew," he said. "Wow."

"Thanks. How do I look?"

"Too hot to be a lesbian, that's for sure."

"You should see the other girl."

"I'll bet."

"I'm just glad I never completely stopped going to the gym. I only went in case she ever showed up again, but keeping the weight down was useful too. God, I'm so nervous."

"Well, be calm. You don't want to blow it like last time, right?"

"Right," Bella said, and then she grinned and rustled over in a jingle of jewellery and kissed his cheek before continuing out.

Nessie was in the kitchen, getting started on dinner, and she gave her a kiss on the cheek as well. The boys were playing videogames in the livingroom and she kissed them each on the head and tried to explain that she wasn't coming home tonight.

"You boys be good for daddy," she told them. "Mommy will be back tomorrow morning."

"But why?"

"Can't you just come home?"

"Baby, we talked about this," she said. "Sometimes mommy has to go out. You just make sure to send me a text before bed and I'll make sure to say goodnight, okay?"

"Okay," they said glumly.

Bella sighed and gave them another kiss each on the head.

It was just getting dark by the time she got to the hotel. The Marriott. A valet took her car and entering the lobby was like entering an old persian palace. Balconies with gold banisters. Winding sets of stairs with red carpets. Crystal chandeliers that twinkled overhead as she made her way to the front desk.

She was early and she went into the bar for a drink while she waited. Scotch and water. She sat on a stool with her legs folded and sipped and periodically gazed over her shoulder at the lobby. She could feel the alcohol spread all through her body and she could smell her own perfume. She hoped she didn't use too much. She sipped again and rubbed her thighs together subtly. They felt so smooth, even to herself. She was wearing earrings and a bracelet on each wrist and she looked at herself in the mirror behind the bar. The woman that looked back seemed too beautiful to be her. Glossy black hair. Cascading over her shoulders. Sitting there at the bar in a small black dress with breasts that all but spilled out of the neckline.

Then another woman appeared in the mirror. A girl. Who smiled when she saw Bella.

Bella paused with the glass to her lips and then set it down and swivelled on the stool. Alice had a purse in her hands and she was wearing a similar black dress. Tiny on her tiny body, short, tight, conforming to every contour. Light touches of makeup on her face. Hair styled and swept to the side like some short-haired model. She came over with that same smile and the smile grew into a grin.

"A hotel, huh?"

"They have an excellent restaurant."

"Oh, I'm sure."

The restaurant was on one of the upper floors and they were shown to their table by a hostess who handed them menus. All tables were occupied and there was a low din of conversation and clatter of cutlery. Their table was by the windows and the windows looked out over a dark blue dusk settling silently over the cityscape. A pale moon among the dark clouds.

It was full dark by the time they started eating. There were two candles on the table and two clearglass vases each with a single rose and there was a woman in a red dress playing a piano on a stage. The cuisine was French and Bella hoped that was alright after Alice's time in Paris. Alice said that was months ago and she was already beginning to miss it. They began with pastry swans and moved on to a main course of ocean trout Galette with capers and thyme and a dessert of Flambéed citrus Crepe Suzette.

Afterwards they ordered another bottle of wine while Bella showed Alice some pictures on her phone.

"These are the boys," she was saying. "That was taken after a soccer game last year."

Alice took the phone and smiled at the photo. One of the boys was younger and blonde and the other was taller with darker hair. They wore soccer shorts with shin guards and they were smiling with bits of dirt and grass stuck to them.

Bella took the phone back and cycled to a different picture.

"And this is Nessie," she said. "My daughter."

Alice took the phone and laughed. The girl in the photo was perhaps only ten years old but she was standing on a footstool at the stove with a chef's hat on her head and an apron that trailed on the floor.

"She must be quite a chef," Alice said.

"Yeah, she helps out so much in the kitchen, it's incredible. If only she enjoyed cleaning her room too."

Alice nodded, still looking at the phone. The little girl was smiling for the photo, spatula in hand, and she seemed very happy. She was missing two front teeth in the picture but she had the same smile as the woman sitting at the table with her.

"She looks just like you," she said.

Bella laughed and took the phone back. "She'll be prettier than I ever was when she grows up. I guess she gets a few good genes from her dad."

A bit of silence followed after that. Bella had been resolved on total honesty but the husband, of course, was a bit of an awkward mention here on this romantic dinner date. Alice lifted her wine glass and took a sip and then set it down again.

"So how long were you married, anyway?" she asked.

"Eighteen years. Almost nineteen, but we didn't quite make it."

"Long time."

"Yeah, I guess it was."

"I'm kind of surprised you've settled on divorce."

"Why?"

"In a movie you would've stayed with the husband. Because a woman's place, of course, is at home with the kids."

Bella laughed at that. "Yeah. Well. This isn't a movie. Maybe people are more selfish in real life."

"I don't think you're selfish."

"Well, you're not the guy I'm divorcing or the kids I'm not going to be able to say goodnight to tonight, so you're perspective on that might be a little different."

Bella meant it as a joke but her chuckle was a little downbeat. Alice smiled.

"Do you regret realizing?" she asked.

"Realizing what?"

"That you're gay."

Bella thought about it for a minute and then shrugged. "No. I guess not. I just wish I had realized earlier. In college, maybe. Well, part of me does. The other part is thankful it happened how it did. Or else my kids would've never been born."

"And your kids, of course, are the best thing you ever did," Alice said with a smile and gentle sarcasm. "Right?"

Bella blushed and chuckled a couple times. "Well, yeah. I guess so. I mean, I've never been to the moon and I'm never gonna be the first female president, so yeah, the kids are pretty much the pinnacle of my achievement."

Alice chuckled as well. "Sorry about that. You might've noticed I have a mild contempt for the conventional heteronormative."

"I don't blame you. I'm becoming the same way myself."

"Yet you're still married. Still living under the same roof as your husband."

"I'll leave him eventually."

"Will you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Denial comes in many forms. Just because you're not lying to me anymore, doesn't mean you're not lying to yourself."

Bella had the wine glass halfway to her mouth. Alice was watching her with eyes that were large and only half playful, enhanced in their impishness by long mascara thickened lashes. Bella lowered the glass again and a single chuckle escaped her.

"I'm so stupid," she said.

Alice tilted her head. "Why?"

"When I saw you at the gym, I rejoiced that I had a second chance. But nothing's really changed, has it? I'm still married. Still complicated. And you still deserve so much better."

"That's not true. Everything's changed."

"You think so?"

"Well, I know I have. I'm not the same girl you met last year. And I'm not afraid of complications. That's why I'm here. We never gave it a proper shot last time. This time, whatever happens, I just wanna give it a proper shot."

"You do?"

"Sure. And you're not the same woman who lied to me either. Are you?"

"I hope not."

"You hope?"

"Well…"

"Well what?"

"I did lie about one thing."

"And what was that?"

"I booked a hotel room," she said, blushing, trying not to grin. "Just in case."

Alice smiled wryly and touched the stem of her wine glass. "Still can't go back to your place, huh?"

"Not tonight," Bella said. "But do you even want to?"

Alice had been looking down into her wine. Now she looked up. A smile began to curve her lips and she lifted the glass and took a long swallow and set it down again.

"Is it a good room?" she asked.

It was a suite in the penthouse and it was almost midnight when they went up. The floors were carpeted and there was a polished oak coffeetable with a bouquet of red roses on it and the windows looked out onto an ink black ocean that rippled like silk in the moonlight. The bed was queen size with a brocade bedspread and six sets of pillows with lace and tassels. Alice placed her purse on the nightstand and swept her fingertips over the pillows. Bella texted her kids goodnight and then she tucked the phone into her purse and set the purse down beside Alice's.

Bella was standing right behind her and now Alice turned around. Bella cupped her face. Neither of them spoke. Mingled scent of perfume. Lavender and musk. The only light in the room was from the bedside lamp and then slowly Alice raised her lips to Bella's.

Bella's eyes fell closed as the kiss connected. For over a year this is what she had been dreaming about. Everything she craved. Everything she had been so hopelessly desperate for. Their mouths opened at the same time and their tongues met for the first time in what felt like an eternity . A soft moan occurred. Bella didn't know who it came from. Her hand was caressing the nape of the girl's neck. The skin there so soft. The hairs so fine. The kiss was deepening and heating up until it seemed to sear into her soul itself. Burning away a year's worth of sadness. A year's worth of longing. Their hands started roaming. More moans rose between them. Bella hiked up the hem of Alice's dress. Black lace g-string underneath and bare buttocks that Bella gripped and squeezed and hefted upwards until Alice wrapped her legs around Bella's waist for Bella to lay her down onto the bed.

—

 **AN: Skipped the lemon this time, because we already had one earlier, and sometimes it's more romantic in the imagination. New chapter soon. Looks like this story might be a lot shorter than I first thought. More of a novella then a full novel. Still, we'll see. :)**


	8. Chapter 8

—

Chapter 8:

—

For a while it was like a dream come true.

For a while.

The first month was bliss. Dating each other and getting to know each other all over again. Shared sessions at the gym, dinner, nights at Alice's place with her roommate Zafrina in a different room and headphones over her ears to block out the moans and cries that drifted through the apartment. The girl was right when she said she had changed a lot. She seemed less young. More mature. A professional photographer whose new dream was to one day have her own studio. Bella seemed to fall in love with her over and over again, every time she saw her. Addicted to her smiles, intoxicated by her giggles.

One weekend when the weather was warm the kids wanted to go for a swim in the pool and Bella invited Alice over so they wouldn't have to cancel their lunch. Alice was thrilled to finally meet them and she sat with Bella at poolside, the two of them reclining on sunchairs in jeans and jackets and sunglasses, while the kids splashed about and shrieked in the water.

"So this is your place, huh?" the girl asked, looking over the pool, the well-kept lawn, the toolshed by the fence which had been freshly painted peagreen.

"Yep."

"It's nice."

"Thanks."

"I can see why you're reluctant to move out."

"Well, it's not the house. It's the kids."

Alice smiled, watching the pool. The two boys were taking turns jumping off the divingboard, eyes squeezed shut, holding their noses closed. Alice turned her smile to Bella.

"That's what I meant," she said.

Bella chuckled once. "Oh."

"Maybe it would be easier to leave if you had that perfect someone to leave for, hm?"

"Someone like you?"

"Someone like me."

"What if the kids had to come with me?"

"Well, they're nice kids." 

"Yeah. They are."

"Are you gonna try for custody when it's all over?"

"I don't know. It depends on Jake. He's a great father and kids need a father."

"They need their mother too."

"Depends on the mother, I suppose. Me? Doubtful. I've tried as hard as I can, but I don't think I can pretend to be a better parent than Jake."

"Don't be so unfair on yourself. You deserve a lot more credit than you think. You were in an impossible situation, but you handled it more selflessly than most people would. How long did you supress your orientation for them? How long did you lie to me? How long did you continue set your own feelings aside so you could focus on your family?"

Bella looked at her. Alice smiled and touched her hand.

"You're a great mother, Bella," she said. "You really are."

Bella smiled but she wasn't quite convinced. "Well, either way, I couldn't take his kids from him. Not unless that's how he wanted it. We haven't talked about it yet, though. It's…hard."

"When's he gonna be home?"

"Couple hours, I guess."

"Will he be pissed to see me here?"

"No. We've been dating other people for a while now."

Nessie was sitting on the rim of the pool in a frilly pink swimsuit, watching her brothers dive, and now she seemed to notice her mother over there.

"Mommy, come into the pool with us!"

"Oh, I don't think so, sweetie."

"Why not?"

"Because, um…"

"Can Alice come swim?"

"She doesn't have a swimsuit, sweetie."

"She can borrow one of mine."

"Yeah, she'd probably fit in it too," Bella said with a smirk at Alice.

Alice grinned. Nessie had taken an instant liking to her and Alice seemed oddly flattered to be singled out by young girl of such frilly pink fashion sense.

"I could borrow one of yours," Alice said to Bella.

"What, seriously?"

"Sure, why not? Come on, let's go for a swim. Nessie, you want mommie to come for a swim?" 

"Yeah!"

Ten minutes later the two women had put on swimsuits and joined the kids outside. Alice pushed Bella into the pool and Nessie squealed and the boys hooted and cheered and splashed water at their mother.

When Jake came home Alice was on the diving board. Clad in a yellow two piece bikini, dripping wet, sparkling in the noonday sun like a water nymph with perfect breasts and slim legs. He was carrying a bag of groceries and he damn near dropped them. Alice saw him there and waved. Jake nodded and after Alice had dived he turned to Bella and mouthed: _Goddamn._

Bella smirked and completely agreed. The kids called out for daddy to come join them but he shook his head and went to unpack the groceries.

It was about a month later when Alice met Jake properly. Alice and Bella had been out on a date and instead of going back to Alice's place they had gone back to Bella's so she could get to sleep earlier. She had meetings at work in the morning. They walked through the door and the boys must've heard it unlock because they came running in their pajamas.

"Mommy!"

They charged into their mother and hugged her. Bella staggered back and smiled wearily and you could tell she'd been hoping she wouldn't have to deal with this.

"What are you two still doing up?" she asked them. "You're supposed to be in bed."

"You weren't here to say goodnight," said the small blonde one.

Bella sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Alice could understand how she felt but she only smiled and gave the boys a little wave.

"Hi, guys," she said.

"Hi," they said.

Jake had been watching Netflix on a laptop in the kitchen and now he came over with half a beer in his hand. "Hey, Bells. Whatcha doing home?"

"Well, I have that appointment in the morning, and I didn't want to drive all the way into the city and all the way back, and—why aren't these kids in bed yet?"

"They wanted to finish the movie."

"We were waiting for you, mommy," the boys said.

Bella sighed frustratedly and took the boys' hands and marched them to the bathroom.

Alice was left there with Jake, just inside the front door. Where wedding pictures hung on the wall and more wedding pictures adorned the sideboard. He was wearing shorts and a shirt and she smiled at him politely.

"Cute kids," she said.

He nodded and grinned. "Yeah, they take after me."

Alice chuckled and shuffled on her feet. Pumps. Still in her date clothes. Jake went to sip from his beer bottle but then stopped and gestured with it to her instead.

"Beer?"

"Sure."

Alice followed him into the kitchen and he snapped open a cold beer for her. She sipped and asked about what he was watching on the laptop. The conversation was a bit stilted and awkward but she supposed that's just how it is when you're waiting for a man's wife to say goodnight to her kids so you could hurry up and bang her in the spare room.

That night they had to be very quiet. They closed the door and left the lamp on.

"Mmm," Bella moaned, laying on her back with Alice on top. "Oh god, I've been waiting for this all night. Come here. Mmm. You are so—"

A knock on the door.

"Mommy?"

Alice took her tongue out of Bella's mouth and sighed. Bella pinched the bridge of her nose. Her face was scrunched up in annoyance but her voice came out very pleasant and mom-like.

"What is it, honey?"

"I can't sleep."

"Is daddy still up?"

"I want you. Can you come lay down with me?"

Bella looked at Alice in despair but Alice only smiled and shook her head to let her know it was alright.

"I'll be there in a minute, sweetie," Bella called out, and then she hopped out of the bed and pulled her panties back up and smoothed down her dress. "I'm so sorry, Alice. You might as well go home. We'll do this another night, okay? I'm so sorry."

Alice sat up in the bed, topless, grinning. "It's alright. I think you were more desperate than I was, anyway."

"You got that right," Bella said, casting a longing gaze at those perfect breasts before ducking out the door.

Over the next few months the strain continued to build. It had been easy to date Esme but Alice was something else entirely. With Esme Bella had been content to simply see her whenever their schedules allowed. With Alice Bella wanted to see her as often as possible. Nothing was ever enough. She didn't want to only date this girl. She wanted to move in with her. Live with her. Share everything with her.

All this was so certain in her head and heart but she didn't dare mention it. Not to Alice or to Jake. She didn't want to create extra pressure. No progress had been made detaching herself from her family and she was still so terrified of letting them down. Especially Jake. In all their eighteen years together she had never appreciated him more than she did now. Always there to watch the kids. Always nice to Alice. So nice, in fact, that sometimes she got jealous. It was only small moments, here and there, but she didn't like it much when he paid more attention to Alice than Bella herself. Sometimes late at night she would wonder if these little sparks of jealousy suggested she wasn't as gay as she thought but she didn't think so. It was the same way you'd feel about anyone you'd been bestfriends with for twenty years.

Alice, meanwhile, was every bit as patient and understanding as he was. She never complained when Bella had to spend time with her family. Never asked Bella to choose. Every now and then the conversation would drift toward the subject of getting an apartment together and that's the only time her eyes would look down with disappointment. Whenever the woman shrugged it off and said one day. One day.

Eventually Bella confided with Jessica. They still worked together and they were still somewhat friends and still spent their lunch hours walking the Queensgate Bridge.

"Nessie is fine," she was saying, "but the boys aren't taking it so well. They keep texting me on dates and calling while I'm with Alice. I have no idea how I'm ever gonna be able to move out. Meanwhile, Alice keeps hinting that she wants us to get a place together, and Jake continues to be as helpful and perfect as he ever was. He broke up with Leah. I think he's trying to let me know he's willing to reconcile. Maybe he doesn't even realize what he's doing. But it's hard not to notice. The way he smiles at me. The tone of his voice. The way he goes out of his way to support me and help with every little thing. I was the love of his life. And I'm still there, in the house, every single day. It must be so hard for him."

Jessica was eating an apple and she shrugged. "Well, I don't know what you expected."

"From you? Yeah, I don't know either."

"I warned you about this from the beginning, Bella. I told you to forget about her. Switch gyms. But no. You wanted to be a lesbian. Well, now you are. Doing laundry doesn't seem so bad anymore, does it?"

Bella sighed, leaning on the rail, and looked down into the water. A boat passing under the bridge. It was windy up here, as it always seemed to be on the bridge, and her hair was flickering in front of her face.

Jessica bit into the apple and glanced at her. "It's not too late, you know."

"To jump?"

"No, to save your family. You keep saying it's not a choice, but it is, Bella. You might not choose to be gay, but you do choose to leave your family."

"So I'm supposed to set my personal feelings aside?"

"Well, that would be the selfless thing to do, wouldn't it?"

"And why is it me who's supposed to be selfless? Why can't everyone else be selfless?"

"They are, Bella."

Bella exhaled sharply and shook her head. "Jake wouldn't want me to stay if it meant being miserable and supressing everything I am. He doesn't deserve that. Neither do the kids. They deserve the chance to move on and find their own happiness."

"Well, I guess you've made up your mind again."

Jessica bit into the apple. Bella looked at her, at how she just stood there chewing like an asshole, and then she sighed and turned back to the river.

At the end of eight months Bella was on the verge of simply walking out on her family. She was fed up of the stress, the anxiety, the confusion. The lack of progress in her life.

Alice by now was finally becoming impatient. Insecure. Dispirited. With each passing day the doubt grew bigger that Bella would never leave her family. Never leave her kids.

New dramas each day. Jake's humor going a bit far. A wisecrack about Alice's ass that made Bella yell at him. The boys grew to resent Alice. They seemed to sense that it was Alice who was stealing their mother away.

A call from the school. Nessie's teacher with Nessie in tears. She had been talking about her mother's special friend to some of the other girls and they called her dyke, lesbo, until Nessie hit one of them. Of all the times Bella thought she would tell Nessie about homosexuality she didn't think it would be in the principal's office at school. Nessie seemed to understand and she never did hold a grudge against her mother.

Christmas came around and Alice asked if Bella wanted to spend it at her parent's place. For a couple days. Alice had suggested it as a test and Bella instantly said yes. At this point she would've taken any excuse to get away from her family even if it was for just a day or two.

It snowed this year and she made sure to have a few snowball fights with the kids and build a snowman before telling them she wouldn't be home for Christmas. The boys were devastated. Christmas without mommy was unthinkable to them. Nessie was disappointed as well but she seemed to understand how much her mother loved Alice and how happy they made each other.

Bella packed her bags the night before Christmas Eve and the next morning Alice came over with her car. The boys followed her out into the snow, their small faces wracked with worry, their breath pluming whitely.

"Mommy, why do you have to go?"

"Why can't you stay?"

Bella threw her bag into the trunk of Alice's Volkswagen. "I already told you, sweetie. Mommy's going to be spending Christmas with Alice. I'll be back in two days and you can show me everything you got from Santa Clause. Okay?"

"But we want you to stay."

"I can't, sweetie."

"Why not?"

"I'll be back in two days, I promise."

"You never keep your promises."

Bella slammed the lid of the trunk and took a breath. An entire lifetime of promise keeping undone by a few late nights with her girlfriend. Alice was wearing a beanie and mittens and she thought it might help to chime in.

"Don't worry, boys," she said cheerfully. "I'll bring her back soon."

They gave her sour looks. Jake had followed them out as well and he cleared his throat to change the subject.

"Just make sure to drive safe," he said. "We'll see you in a couple days."

Bella kissed each of her boys on the head and then her husband on the cheek. Alice watched that and looked away.

"You boys take care of daddy for me," Bella told them. "Okay?"

They gave solemn nods. Bella blew them a kiss and got into the car. Alice nodded at Jake and got in behind the wheel. The boys actually jogged partway down the sidewalk to keep waving to their mother. Bella was twisted in her seat and waving out the back window. Alice waited until she was facing front again and snorted a small chuckle.

"Those little guys really love you," she said.

Bella sighed. "Yeah."

The drive was several hours upstate. Through the snowy winter countryside and fresh white farmland. The house they came to was a modest mansion on a rise outside a small town called Newberry. Two stories. Snow and reindeer on the roof and a plastic Santa by the chimney.

They drove past a mailbox and up a freshly shovelled drive. The house was surrounded by dark green woods on most sides and a large lake around the back. The surface of the lake was placid and perfect and there was a small boathouse on the shore.

Bella and Alice got out of the car and made their way to the front door. They left their luggage in the trunk for now but Bella had a box in her hands wrapped in christmas paper which was a bottle of vintage brandy that Alice assured her her father would love.

"God, I'm so nervous," Bella said, stepping up onto the veranda. There was a wooden bench suspended by two chains there and it reminded her of a dream she'd once had.

"Don't be," Alice said with a smile. "I've told them all about you and they already love you."

Bella took a deep breath as Alice pressed the doorbell. A pleasant melody chimed within the house and seconds later the door opened.

Both parents must've been waiting to greet them because they were both there. The mother with blonde hair styled in curls. The father also blonde. Both of them in christmas sweaters and beigecolored pants. The mother lit up as soon as she saw her daughter.

"Alice!"

"Mom!"

Alice threw herself at them and hugged them, tiny, darkhaired, gay, completely opposite to her extremely conventional looking parents. The father smiled at Bella and nodded and Bella nodded back.

The mother, after releasing Alice, turned to Bella brightly.

"And you must be Bella," she said. "Come in, come in. Alice has told us everything about you."

"It's nice to meet you," Bella said, entering the house. She offered the present to Alice's father. "I got this for you. Alice said you'd like it."

"Thank you," he said. "That's very nice of you."

"Come in, come in," the mother was saying. "Would you girls like some eggnog?"

The house smelt like cinnamon and furniture polish. A carpeted staircase going up. The banister wrapped with tinsel. Framed pictures of their daughter along the wall. Bella was impressed. Going by the living room she saw the christmas tree. It was almost as tall as the ceiling and heavy with ribbons and baubles and small figurines of angels. A diorama of a baby in a barn lay on a coffeetable at the base of the tree. A ring of wrapped presents for the family coming tomorrow.

Alice's dad went to get their bags for them and Alice's mother led them up the staircase each with a glass of egg in their hands. Her and her daughter had unique way of talking where they overlapped and laughed and didn't stop for a second.

There were three spare bedrooms but most had been assigned to other visiting family. Esme led them into one of the rooms and Bella had to smile. The wallpaper was pink with little stars on it and there were posters of supermodels and popstars over the bed. The bed was a single with a pink bedspread and the desk was pink as well and there were models of unicorns and fairies on it and a few dolls and colored teddy bears. Even the vanity was painted pink and wedged into the frame of the mirror were photographs of Alice from when she was a teenager, wearing a prom dress in one, a cheerleader's uniform in another.

"It's Alice's old room," her mother was saying. "You two don't mind sharing, do you?"

The two women looked at the tiny bed. They smiled.

"No, not at all," Bella said.

"It's fine, mom," Alice said.

Her father was coming into the room behind them with their bags and he set them down by the dresser. Just two small overnight bags with a change of clothes, some toothbrushes.

"Well, we'll let you girls settle in," he said. "Very nice to meet you, Bella."

He offered a hand and Bella shook it.

"You too, sir," she said.

The man chuckled a bit at how formal she was and his wife smiled and took their empty glasses of eggnog before they left.

Alice plopped down on the bed and giggled.

"See? Told you there was nothing to be nervous about."

Bella chuckled and looked around the room. So pink and cute. Exactly like how she would've pictured it. She sat down beside Alice on the bed and Alice took her in her arms. Bella kissed her lips, once, twice, pressing them together. Alice murmured and parted her lips but then something occurred to Bella and she pulled away.

"Ooh, sorry," she said. "I better call the boys quickly, make sure they're okay."

Alice was a bit startled, and disappointed, but she nodded. Bella dug into her coat pocket for her phone.

By the time she was finished on the phone the moment was lost and they went downstairs. The mother had poured them more eggnog and she ushered them into the living room to sit down. The father had gotten a fire going in the fireplace and it was nice and warm. Christmas stockings were pinned to the mantle under a row of framed photographs. Family pictures. Alice as a child in a schooldress. Bella had half been expecting an interrogation on her home-life, her husband and kids, but both parents seemed content to mind their own business and have faith in their daughter's judgement.

They all stayed up till midnight and said Merry Christmas to each other with a toast of the brandy Bella had bought for Alice's father. The parents went to bed after that while Bella and Alice stayed up a little to do their presents privately. The fire was down to embers and it was quite dim in the room. Bella had gotten Alice a new digital camera, state of the art, and the girl gasped as she opened it. Alice was aghast at how much it might've cost but Bella told her not to worry. She would've dipped into the kid's college fund if she had to. She had new priorities now. Alice then handed her a small oblong box with a ribbon around it. Bella pulled the ribbon and unwrapped it to discover a jewellery case. Inside was a diamond bracelet with a special engraving on the clasp. A&B. Inside a loveheart. Bella draped it over her wrist and Alice helped her clasp it before Bella flung her arms around her and hugged her tightly.

It had begun to snow sometime during the evening and after opening their presents they went outside. The veranda was sheltered from the snow and they sat on the hanging bench there. In silence. Cuddled up in coats and scarfs. Mittens. Watching the snow sift down in the darkness. Twinkle lights were wrapped around the rail of the veranda and three plastic wise men stood around a plastic manger. The porch light was a warm yellow bulb and in the frost webbed window behind them there was an orange glow from the living room fire. Bella had her arm around Alice and the subtle swinging of the bench and creak of the chains reminded her once again of that dream she'd had.

"Did I ever tell you I used to dream about you?" Bella asked her.

"You did?"

"Yeah. In fact, one of the dreams was exactly like this."

"Christmas at my parent's?"

"No, it wasn't Christmas. And it wasn't your parent's. Actually, it wasn't even night time. It was in the morning. Or afternoon. There was lots of sun."

"Then how was it exactly like this?"

Bella chuckled and pushed gently at the floorboards with her boot to make the bench rock. "The bench," she said. "We were sitting on a bench just like this one. I think we were married or something. I don't know. We were just relaxing. In a house out in the country somewhere. Just me and you."

Alice smiled and snuggled closer. "That sounds nice."

"Yeah. It was."

"What did we talk about in this dream?"

"Nothing. It was before I had met you. I didn't even know your name. All I knew was that there was just something about you."

"Love at first sight, huh?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Doesn't love at first sight require eye contact?"

"Well, which part of me did you see first?"

"Your ass."

Alice burst out laughing and tilted over into Bella's lap. Bella smiled and petted her like a cat there.

The next morning Bella helped Alice and her mother in the kitchen. The entire family was coming and a large feast was planned. The ladies had cracked open a bottle of wine and shooed the man of the house away and they giggled and chopped carrots and chatted for over an hour.

"This is what's so wonderful about having a gay daughter," the mother said with a wink at Bella. "An extra woman to help out in the kitchen."

Bella grinned. "At home it's generally my husband who does most of the cooking."

"Really?"

"Him or my daughter, yeah. I'm very lucky as far as house chores go."

"Alice says you're still living with him. Your husband, I mean."

"Yeah, the house is still under mortgage, and the kids are in the middle of school. Our incomes are very entwined, so it's not like either of us can just up and leave."

"That must be very difficult."

"Yeah, it is, but we're doing our best. I guess I'm just lucky he's such a great man."

Alice rolled her eyes while swallowing down an entire glass of wine. Then she lowered the glass and changed the subject.

"So, mom, when are the rest of family getting here?"

They began to arrive by noon. Aunts and uncles. Cousins. Bella was extremely self-conscious. Everyone knew she was the lesbian girlfriend of the family lesbian. She shook hands and smiled and made polite conversation. She met Alice's grandmother, an old woman even tinier than Alice. She was a little confused in the head and she commented that Bella had very long hair for a man. Bella paused for a moment with her mouth open and then just said thanks. All the old woman seemed to understand was that Bella was dating her granddaughter Alice and therefore must be a man.

Dinner was served on a long oak dining table with a smaller table for the kids. Two of the kids were teenage boys who had been hovering around Bella and Alice in hopes of seeing them makeout or perhaps fingerbang right on the table. The turkey arrived on a huge silver chaffing dish along with boats of gravy and roast vegetables. The turkey was carved and the slices forked onto plates. Bella demurred and only had very little. She was seated beside a gay uncle. Bald, middle aged, not quite the hunky stereotype of modern media. They were all strangers and she was never quite comfortable.

It was still daylight after dinner. Alice had been abducted by several of her young cousins and dragged outside for a snowball fight. Bella had remained inside to help clean up but soon she wandered to the large glass screendoor that looked out over the rear of the property. A low mist lay over the lake and the lake was partially iced over. Fresh snowfall lay on the lawn and Alice was zigzagging amid a hail of snowball fire from the children, smile on her face, the pompom on her beanie bouncing up and down. Alice was great with kids but for some reason that thought gave Bella a twinge of sadness. She couldn't even imagine the girl as the stepmother to her children. It just seemed so far away and complicated and impossible. Alice was so young. Hardly more than a child herself.

She stood there for a long time and eventually she was joined by Alice's father. He offered her a glass of eggnog and she took it with a smile.

"Thank you," she said. "This really is a beautiful house you have."

He nodded and smiled at his daughter out there beyond the glass. "Alice used to love it here, but she couldn't wait to move to the big city. And even that wasn't enough for her, she had to go to Paris too."

"Yes, she's a very adventurous girl."

She cringed inwardly as she said it. Adventurous was probably the wrong adverb to describe a gay daughter. He smiled and sipped his nog.

"All I've ever wanted is for my daughter to be happy," he said. "Alice says you have children as well."

"Yes, two boys, and a girl."

"What are their names?"

"The girl is Nessie, and the boys…um…"

She had taken her phone out at the reminder of them and she was distressed to see a whole list of texts that had appeared since the last time she had checked. Her stomach went queasy.

"Actually, I'm a bit worried about them," she said. "This is the first time I've left them overnight."

"I'm sure they have plenty of distractions for Christmas."

"I hope so, but the boys can be very clingy. I better check in quickly. May I…?"

"Yes, go ahead, by all means."

"Thank you, I'll be right back."

Bella went into the living room, shaking her head at the texts, and then called the home phone. It was Nessie who picked up.

"Hey, Nessie," she said. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, mommy."

"How's everything going over there? Having fun?"

"Not really."

"Why not? Are your brothers okay?"

"No. They were crying like babies all morning. They wouldn't even open their presents. They said they were going to wait for you to get home."

Bella squeezed her eyes shut and clutched the phone. When she opened her eyes she saw that Alice had come in from the snow. She was smiling but when she saw Bella's expression her smile started to fade.

"Mommy?"

Bella turned back to the phone. "Did you at least unwrap yours, sweetie?"

"Yeah."

"Did you get anything good?"

"Yeah. Daddy got me a cookbook. We roasted a turkey together, but it went dry."

"Oh, I bet it's delicious. Are you going to save me some?"

"Sure, mom. Do you want to talk to daddy?"

"No, that's okay."

"Well, I gotta go. I'm making pudding."

"Okay, sweetie, I'll see you soon. Merry—"

Nessie hung up. Bella lowered the phone.

"—Christmas," she said.

Alice approached her and put a mitten on her shoulder. "Everything alright?"

Bella shook her head. Inside she was guilty and angry and frustrated and she was just sick of it all. "I'm sorry, Alice, but the boys aren't ready to be left alone. I'm gonna have to head back tonight. I can't let their whole christmas be ruined just because I'm not there."

Alice sighed and let go of her shoulder. But she nodded.

They went to pack right away and said hasty goodbyes to Alice's parents. They seemed to sympathize. As parents they understood how a mother worried about her kids.

Dark fell while they were on the road. Bella insisted on driving and Alice stared out the window in silence. At the stark leafless trees. The muddy snow at the roadside. Something bottling up inside her. Bella could tell. She kept glancing at her but she had no idea what to say.

It was 2AM when they pulled up at Bella's house. Twinkle lights across the roof and gutters. They got out on the sidewalk and crossed their arms in the cold. Bella breathed out in a white plume and turned back to Alice.

"I'm really sorry about this, Alice," she said. "Do you want to come inside?"

"Do you think I should?"

"I hope so. I want you to be part of my life. I just hope you can put up with it till it settles down."

Alice chuckled but there wasn't as much humor in it as Bella would've wanted.

They went up the drive and unlocked the front door. Jake must've been awake in bed because the hallway light flipped on as they came in.

"Hey, babe," he said. "What are you doing here?"

Bella pulled off her coat and hung it on a hook. Among child sized rainslickers and jackets. Alice left her own coat on.

"Nessie told me the boys wouldn't open their presents," Bella said to him. "Are they still up?"

"I put them to bed about half an hour ago."

"Shit."

"But we can get them up."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, of course," he said with a broad smile. "It wasn't christmas without you, anyway."

Bella smiled as well and hurried down the corridor. Alice lingered behind, staring at the floor.

Soon the two boys were up and gathered around the tree in the living room in their pajamas and socks. They still didn't quite forgive their mother but all it took was a few video games to buy back their affections. They hugged her after each present and thanked her so much. She kissed them on their heads. She ruffled their hair. Alice watched from across the room, not bothering to take part or fake smiles.

The only person who paid her any attention at all was Jake. He gave her a beer and smiled and clinked the bottle with his own. He said it was great to see her. That her beanie was cute. Alice nodded weakly and watched him move back to his family. He sat beside his wife and wrapped an arm around her. Large arm. Heavy. Muscular. Comforting her in a way that maybe Alice never could. Alice looked down at her beer and plucked at the label with a fingernail. Maybe if she had been married to him she wouldn't have the guts to leave him either.

It was getting very late by now and soon the boys were back in bed. Neither of them had spoken to Alice and Alice only said goodnight perfunctorily. Bella noticed that Alice was becoming increasingly upset and those emotions seemed to leak over to her. She gave her a hug and thanked her for being so patient.

Afterwards the three adults went into the kitchen and Jake poured them some eggnog. He had more heartbreak to resent than both of them but he also had an uncanny ability to be cheerful and make the most of any situation.

"Made the eggnog myself," he was saying. "The cookies, those were Nessie."

Alice lifted one of the cookies from the plate. "Are those M&Ms?"

"Yeah, she puts them in everything. It's been her secret ingredient ever since she discovered it a couple years ago. She put them in the pudding too."

Alice smiled and took a nibble of the cookie. Bella was shaking her head.

"Something's gotta be done about this, Jake," she said. "Alice had to leave her family halfway through Christmas. This isn't fair. Not on her, not on me, not on any of us."

Jake nodded and turned to Alice apologetically. "Yeah, sorry about that. Your folks good?"

"They're okay."

Bella didn't let them get sidetracked. "What are we going to do, Jake?"

"I don't know, babe. I'm doing my best, but…" He sighed and shrugged. "I thought the kids would get used to it eventually, but maybe it's time you just moved out. Whether they're ready or not. It'll be rough to begin with, but it'll be better in the long run."

"And what about the mortgage?"

"We'll find some other house. Somewhere smaller."

"But the kids love it here. They have a pool and they're so close to the school."

"Nessie hates the pool."

"She loves it, Jake."

"Only in the summer."

"God, Jake, it's not just that. What about me? They're my kids too. Am I supposed to just tell them goodbye? Leave them and walk out the door? How could I possibly do that?"

"I know, babe, but like you said. Something's got to be done."

Alice listened to all this with a cookie in her hand like yet another child herself. Her eyes were vacant and the bite of cookie was like sawdust in her mouth. Finally she swallowed painfully and laid the cookie down.

"I'm sorry," she said, interrupting them. "I can't do this."

Bella looked at her. "Can't do what?"

"I can't be the one responsible for destroying your family."

"You're not, Alice. Alice, wait. Alice, what are you—"

Alice was snatching up her purse from the counter, fighting back tears. "I'm twenty four years old, Bella. I can't take care of you. I can't take care of your kids. This whole thing was just a big mistake. We were stupid. Just stay with your family, alright? We both know you were never going to leave them, anyway."

Bella was stunned. Jake raised a hand.

"Whoa," he said. "Let's just—"

But the girl wheeled away and stumbled through the house until she ripped open the front door and escaped into the night.

—

Zafrina was on the couch with a bowl of popcorn. Binge watching christmas movies in the dark. She heard the door open and she was surprised to see Alice.

"Hey," she said. "I thought you weren't coming home till tomorrow?"

Alice sniffed. She shook her head and looked up. Her whole face was wet and her friend rose from the couch in alarm.

"Oh god," she said. "Ally? What's wrong?"

"It's over, Zaf," the girl said, breaking into a sob. "It's over."

Alice lowered her face into her hands. Her shoulder's shuddered. Zafrina went over and wrapped her arms around her and began rocking her back and forth.

—

Bella called all night and in the morning she could hardly even look at her children. She never thought it was possible to hate them. She drove to Alice's apartment through the cold and snowy streets but it was Zafrina who answered the door.

"How is she?" Bella asked.

Zafrina sighed and looked back into the apartment before coming out into the corridor and closing the door. "She's in her room. She doesn't want to talk to you."

"Jesus."

"What happened?"

"I don't know. Everything. What should I do, Zafrina?"

"I have no idea."

Bella touched her temples. Zafrina put a hand on her shoulder. Bella was relieved at least the tall black woman wasn't furious at her.

"Is she going to be okay?" Bella asked.

"I hope so. I think it's been getting to her for a long time."

"Yeah. I always said she deserved better than me."

"Or maybe she just deserved you to treat her better."

Bella glanced at her. Now those dark eyes were hardening into a glare. Bella felt a wave of shame and let out a sigh.

"Can I speak to her?"

"I guess you can try."

Zafrina opened the door and Bella went inside.

Alice was still in bed. Laying on her side. Facing the wall. Bella stood in the doorway looking at the back of her head. Alice must've heard her come in but assumed she was Zafrina.

"Was that Bella?" she asked softly.

"Yeah," Bella said.

Alice lay there. Then she rolled over and sat up in the bed. She wouldn't look at the other woman but she didn't seem angry. Just hurt. And exhausted. Her eyes were red rimmed and she wore a pink tanktop with white elastic. Bella came over and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Alice, I'm so sorry about yesterday," she said. "It was so wrong of me to leave your parent's house like that."

"You had no choice. Gotta take care of the kids."

"I did have a choice. I should've chose you. There's nothing more important to me than you, Alice. Nothing."

"We both know that's not true, Bella."

"It is, Alice. I love you. I love you more than I ever thought I could ever love someone. If you want me to leave my family, I'll do it right now. I won't even go home to pack a bag. I'll just stay here with you forever."

"I can't ask you to do that."

Bella's eyes were filling with tears. "Yes, you can, Alice," she said. "Please. You have to. I can't do it myself. I need you to tell me. Just tell me to choose. I'll choose you, I promise."

Alice shook her head sadly. "I can't be responsible for that. It has to be you, Bella. You're the one that has to decide."

Bella sniffled and wiped her nose. "Fine. I decide then. I'll tell the lawyer to send over the divorce papers today. This afternoon. I don't care. Jake can bring over some of my things and I'll… I'll just stay here with you. Okay?"

Bella put a hand on Alice's back and tried to smile. Alice didn't even try. Her eyes were dry as if she had cried every drop she had last night and now she just shook her head.

"Just go home, Bella," she said. "It's over."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. If you were gonna leave them, you would've done it already. You said you used to dream about me, but it's time to face reality."

"Alice, don't do this."

"I didn't do it. You did."

"Alice, please."

"Just go away, Bella. It's over."

Alice turned and laid down again. Facing away. Bella sat there in shock. Eyes red. Cheeks wet. Trembling slightly. Alice said nothing and Bella didn't know what to say and finally she stood up and wobbled toward the bedroom door.

Zafrina was pacing in the living room. One look at the woman and she knew what had happened. Bella veered toward the front door but halfway there she stumbled and burst into a sob. Zafrina ran over and hugged her and Alice, in her room, covered her head with a pillow to block out those heart torn wails.

—

 **AN: Hope this one turned out okay. It spun through quite a few months and there was a lot of melodrama at the end. Hope it rang true without being over the top. Speaking for myself, I got pretty emotional writing that last scene. All teary eyed, lol. Don't worry, though, the new chapter will be here soon. :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Hi, guys, thanks for all the reviews. So glad you guys have loved this story. This is actually the final chapter, which is kind of a surprise even to me, lol. It's a bit short too, but I hope you like it. :)**

—

Chapter 9:

—

This time she really did think it was over. Alice had broken all contact. She stopped going to the gym. She stopped answering calls. Replying to texts. Bella was a wreck. Not sleeping. Bursting into tears on the exercise bike while wishing Alice would appear. Pounding on the door to Alice's apartment and pleading to speak to her until Zafrina came out to console her and send her away.

Eventually she gave up. She might not have gotten through it at all if it wasn't for Jake. He heard her sobbing in bed one night and went into her room and held her till she slept. Stroking her. Inhaling that long familiar scent of her hair. Small tears in his eyes and remembering their life together and knowing, once and for all, that it was all over. Telling her it would be okay.

It was him who finally filed for divorce. She might've never been brave enough to do it herself and it was his final act as her husband, as the man who took care of her. He gave her the papers one afternoon and she signed them at the kitchen table. Watched over by photographs on the fridge. Vacation snaps. The kids in swimsuits. She laid down the pen and sighed. Jake handed her a beer and sat down beside her.

"Well," he said. "Guess we're finally divorced."

"Guess so."

He clicked their bottles together and then pretended something went by really fast. " _Shoooom_ , what was that? That was your life, bro. Shit, that was quick. Do I get another? Sorry, buddy, that's about it."

Bella laughed at his little conversation with himself. He smiled at her.

"Even if I can't turn you on anymore, at least I can still make you laugh, huh?"

Bella set down her bottle and stood up and went around behind her ex-husband and wrapped her arms around him.

"Thanks, Jake," she said. "For everything."

He touched her hand and jostled it. "It's all good, babe."

That same day they gathered the kids in the living room and told them mommy wouldn't be living with them anymore. The boys were stunned. Blank faces. Wide eyes. Nessie started crying softly but she allowed her mother to hug her and explain that everything would be alright. That they were still a family and they would still see each other all the time.

A For Sale sign went up in the yard. They had twelve years left on the mortgage but even a quick sale would cover it.

Meanwhile she started apartment hunting. In the city, closer to work. To the gym. Researching places to rent at work or watching video tours on her laptop at home. Crosslegged on her bed with a notebook and a pen. Finally beginning to feel hopeful. Optimistic. Moving out into the world like a young woman again.

There was a place she liked that she found a short walk to her office building. Spacious. Lots of light. It was a corner apartment with two different views. Bedroom and bathroom, kitchen area, living space. Floorboards. Everything clean and empty. Fresh. Exactly the place to start over.

The next day she came back with her daughter and led her through the rooms by the hand.

"What do you think, Nessie?" she asked her. "How would you like to come visit me here every weekend?"

They were in the living room. Nessie glanced about and then she looked toward the kitchen, at the stove and cabinets and the counter skeptically, and finally shrugged.

"The kitchen's a bit small," she said.

"Are you going to come help me make dinner every weekend?"

"Of course."

"Good," Bella said, and then she knelt down and wrapped her daughter into a hug there in the empty apartment. "I'm not sure how mommy's going to live without you, baby."

"What about Alice?"

Bella's eyes were closed. She held her daughter for a while and then released her but remained on one knee.

"What about her, sweetheart?"

"Is she really gone?"

"Yes. I guess she didn't like mommy as much as mommy wanted her to."

"I miss her."

"Yeah," Bella said, and then chuckled and rose. "So do I."

It took about a week to move in properly. New furniture for the most part. New bed, new mattress. Glass coffeetable. Postmodern bookshelf of segmented squares in black lacquer. Nothing that reminded her of the husband or children she was leaving behind. Nothing that carried their scents or memories.

One of the few things she bought with her from the house was the exercise bike. Jake bought it over one afternoon and lugged it into the elevator and all the way into her apartment. Bella gave him directions into the bedroom and he finally set it down by the bed and breathed out. The mattress was still wrapped in plastic.

"Whew," he said. "That's my work out for the day."

"Thanks for bringing it over, Jake."

"Not sure what you need it for. You still going to that gym?"

"Yeah."

"Seen Alice?"

"Nah."

Jake nodded. He had his hands in his back pockets and he was looking around. Over the bed was a frameless black and white painting of an apple with a vivid slash of red lipstick around a bitemark. It was called Forbidden Fruit.

"You okay, Jake?" she asked him.

Jake chuckled once and turned back to her. "Yeah. It's just funny how things work out. All this drama and you didn't even get the girl."

"Such is life, I guess."

"Well, at least you had eighteen really good years before it all fell apart. They _were_ good years, weren't they? It's not just my imagination?"

"They were great years."

Jake smiled and nodded. "Yeah. They were."

Bella stepped aside from the door and Jake went past her out into the living room. She walked him to the door. The windows were open and bright sunlight spilled over the polished doors. He paused at the door and took another look at the apartment.

"It's a nice place," he said. "Have you tried calling her recently? Alice?"

"No."

"How come? I mean, it's been over a month. Maybe she's calmed down a little."

"The best thing I can do for her is to just stay out of her life. Time for me to stop being so selfish, Jake. She deserves better than some old hag like me, anyway. Baggage doesn't even begin to describe the shit I'm lugging into a relationship."

"Not much baggage anymore. New apartment, new life. Besides, since when did selflessness ever help anybody? Never made either of us happy and I doubt that girl is all that happy either."

"It's too late, Jake. You gonna give me a ride home?"

"Yeah, come on. When's the big move in?"

"Next week, I guess. I'll get you a key for emergencies."

Bella went out into the corridor and closed the door behind them.

—

Alice was at a photoshoot at the Botanical Gardens when she looked up and saw Jake. The camera in her hands was the one Bella had gotten her for Christmas. Behind her was a large fountain with water spouting upward into the bright morning sun. The shoot was for very expensive rainslickers and the models wearing the rainslickers were inside the actual fountain, striding through the water in high heels and full makeup with the spray pattering on the plastic hoods over their styled hair.

Jake was weaving through the crowd toward her. Alice let the camera rest against her chest—it had a loop around her neck—and went over to meet him halfway. He was wearing jeans and a work shirt, as if he was on a break from the autoshop. Grease smears on the knees of his jeans. Rag sticking out of one pocket. She couldn't guess why he was here and her heart had begun beating strangely. She feared some kind of bad news, some tragedy, but he was smiling as if he had just come to visit.

"Hey," he said. "I called your office. They said you'd be here."

"Hi. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, more or less. Bella and I are finally divorced. Officially. She's even found an apartment. She's moving in next week. We're selling the house."

Alice blinked at him. Her mouth was partly open. Jake smiled and looked down. He seemed embarrassed and after a while he chuckled and looked up again.

"Just wanted to let you know," he said.

"Why?"

A voice called for Alice from the fountain. She looked back. Her throat was thick and her heart thumping. She turned back to Jake and Jake smiled and started backing away.

"I'll let you get back to work," he said. "Just tell me one thing."

"Yes?"

"Have you gained weight recently?"

"Excuse me?"

"Looking a bit pudgy there," he said with a grin. "Might be time to renew that gym membership, if you catch my drift."

Alice smiled. She was wearing a croptop and she put a hand on her bare and very flat midriff. Jake winked at her and turned and continued across the park toward the road.

—

Sunday morning Bella looked up from the bicycle and saw Alice coming toward her from across the gym. She didn't fall off the bike. Didn't startle. She simply slowed down and smiled through the familiar waves of attraction and took the ear buds out of her ears. Alice smiled as well, dressed in her streetclothes, and stopped beside the bicycle.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey."

"I wasn't sure you'd be here."

"Well, it's Sunday. Sunday is gym day."

"No days off, huh?"

"Not until I get them abs."

Alice chuckled. The two women fell silent for a moment. Bella was just sitting there, curiously calm, wondering what the other woman was doing here. She took the towel from around the handlebars and wiped her forehead with it.

"You here to work out?" she asked the girl.

"No. I came to see you."

"Me?"

"Yeah. Jake came to see me at a photoshoot."

"What for?"

"I don't know. Guess he just wanted to catch up. He said you guys are divorced now. And you're moving out."

Bella looked down at her lap. Alice smiled at her.

"I just wanted to say I'm proud of you," she said. "It's not easy to make big changes in your life. But you did. You never gave up. Took a long time, but you did it. You figured out who you were and you made it happen."

Bella looked up again. Her face was already red but now she could feel it heating even further. "Thanks," she said. "I just wish I had done it sooner. Before I hurt you."

Alice nodded and looked away. Then she sighed and smiled brightly.

"So where's the new apartment?"

"On the Eastside, not far from here."

"I'd love to see it."

"Sure. Anytime."

"Well, how about today?"

"Now?"

"Sure, why not? We could grab lunch and swing by. If it gets late, we could even have dinner together. What do you think?"

Bella blinked. Her throat was throbbing. Alice was smiling and waiting and finally Bella nodded.

"Okay," she said.

"Great," the girl said with a giggle. "I'll go get changed and meet you back here."

Bella nodded and turned on the bike to watch her go. She was wearing designer jeans, tight around the butt, and she paused at the entrance to the change rooms and smiled over her shoulder before disappearing inside. Bella took a deep breath and started cycling again.

After catching a workout together, just like old times, they went for coffee at the Starbucks where Alice used to work. Zafrina had moved on from here as well and the waitresses were all new. They sat at a table and ordered a couple lattes and some lunch. Alice had a roasted tomato and mozzarella panini and Bella had a chicken and black bean salad bowl. It had been a month since they had been in the same room together but they seemed to resume exactly where they had left off. As if the breakup had never occurred at all.

Afterwards they drove to Bella's place and Bella took her upstairs and showed her the apartment. Alice nodded as Bella spoke and moved through the rooms as she herself were a housebuyer. As if contemplating whether to move in. There were still some cardboard boxes laying around, labelled across their sides with markerpen. Books. Clothes. Bella explained that she was really busy at work and hadn't been able to unpack properly. Alice offered to help her right now and before Bella knew what was going on the girl had taken off her jacket and torn open one of the boxes.

By dusk the boxes were empty and thrown in the corner. The bookshelf was stocked. The closet, the dresser. The sun was setting in the windows, filling the apartment with orange light. Alice had taken charge and Bella was now the one following her about. It filled Bella with a peculiar feeling to see Alice making herself at home, critiquing things, suggesting adjustments. It was how she always wished it would be. Alice opened some of the cabinets in the kitchen and the fridge as well and found them mostly empty and asked Bella if she wanted to order in. Bella knew a chinese place not far but first she called Jake and told him she wouldn't be home. Alice noticed and smiled but didn't comment.

They ate the chinese out of boxes while sitting on the sofa. There wasn't much to catch up on. The separation had been short but it was enough to create a longing between them. Sitting slightly apart, not daring to even let their knees brush, not wanting to rush the other, not wanting to send the wrong signal. They had nothing to drink but water and they sipped it like wine and nodded and smiled while the sun continued to descend outside. After a while Bella got up to turn the light on and when she came back she found Alice had shuffled closer to her side of the sofa. When she sat down again they were quite close.

Conversation began to dwindle, their minds wandering. Alice was leaning with an elbow on the backrest, languid, her eyes sweeping up and down over Bella's body. Bella smiled and gestured at the living room.

"So what do you think of the place?" she asked. "Not bad, huh?"

"Yeah, I love it. I could never afford a place like this."

"The rent isn't as bad as you'd think."

"Expenses must be tight just by yourself, though."

"Are you kidding? No kids, no husband. Rent is nothing compared to all that."

"How are they taking it?"

"The kids?"

"Yeah."

"Well, the boys were pissed, but I guess they'll just have to get used to it. Nessie's fine. We've already scheduled one night a week where she can come over and cook for me."

Alice giggled at the reminder of Nessie. "I loved Nessie."

"She loved you too. I think she missed you as much as I did."

They fell silent for a moment at the reminder that technically they were still broken up. Alice paused for a moment, smiling, and then resumed the conversation.

"So they're staying with Jake?" she asked.

"For now, yeah. He's gonna stay in the house while we look for a buyer. I'll be helping out with alimony. I'm gonna miss them so much, but I couldn't take them away from him. Besides, it's me who has to start over. Maybe I'll even have another family. If I ever meet the right girl."

"The right girl is hard to find."

"Yeah. Took me almost four decades. But the hardest part is keeping her. That's the hard part. Finding her is only half of it. Holding on to her, that's the…that's the, uh…"

Bella trailed off, her eyes beginning to sting. Alice smiled and shuffled closer.

"I missed you, Bella," she whispered.

Bella looked at her. "I missed you too."

Slowly the girl leaned forward with her lips. Tentatively. Cautiously. Bella's eyes fell closed and finally their mouths connected. Soft. Warm. Alice's hand was cupping Bella's neck and pulling her closer. Bella moaned and opened her mouth. Alice's tongue came in. Hint of garlic from the chinese food. Huge. Wet. Bella moaned again and used her own tongue to wrap around it.

For a long time they made out there on the couch. Chests heaving. Hands in each other's hair. Alice gradually became more and more passionate. The sounds that came out of her were insistent. Soon she was lifting Bella's top and squeezing Bella's breasts out of her bra. Lowering her mouth to those large swollen nipples and engulfing them between her lips. Bella hissed from the first suckle and moaned and squirmed on the couch as the girl alternated, nipple to nipple, sucking at them and licking and sucking some more, gripping each globe in her tiny hands with those huge mounds all but overflowing through her fingers.

Bella was stroking her hair and moaning and eventually Alice lifted her face. Her eyes huge and pretty. Her lips wet and shiny. Bella looked at them and brushed her thumb over them and then pulled the girl into a kiss. Alice returned it with little whimpers until she finally pulled away.

"Oh god," she breathed. "I missed you so much, Bella."

"Me too."

"I shouldn't have left, but I was just so tired. So tired of being on the side. I didn't want to be on the side. I wanted to be everything to you. I just loved you so much."

"You are everything to me, Alice. Nothing was ever more important to me than you. I was just too afraid to admit it. I was stupid. You have no idea how much I love you."

"Can we be together now? Can we finally be together?"

"Yes. I love you, Alice. I love you so much."

"I love you too, Bella. Mmm. I love you. I love you so much."

Their mouths melded together once more and more moans rose as they made love there on the couch.

—

Afterwards they giggled and put their clothes back on and went shopping for wine and a bedspread. They found something at a department store just before closing, a blue magnolia spread with a danish eiderdown quilt, and they returned to the apartment and showered and ripped the plastic off the mattress and made up the bed in the nude. Bella tucking in the sheets with her heavy breasts swaying. Alice stuffing a pillowcase and watching with a hungry grin. Once the bed was made they applied a puff of perfume and climbed under the covers. Only the lamp was on. Their bodies were clean and smooth as silk and soon they were each slick and wet between their legs. The room was filled with heavy breathing and moans as they stared into each other's eyes and fingered each other under the covers. Heaving. Smiling. Gasping instructions and coordinating the climax until it came to both of them at the same time in a great crescendo of joy, a rapture of the heart, an eclipse of bliss, that left them laughing and sweaty and laying there in each other's arms for a long time. Eventually they got up and put on some clothes, just a sleepshirt each out of the dresser, no underwear, and Bella went into the kitchen and came back with a glass of wine that she handed to Alice. Alice took it and thanked her and together with Bella they sat up in bed and sipped from their glasses. Alice was looking up at the portrait over the bed of that black and white apple with the lipstick mark on it. Bella waited until she was finished drinking and then she took the empty glass and bought them back into the kitchen. They made love one more time, pulling off the shirts and climbing back under the covers, and then they lay there in the lamplight. Cuddled on the same pillow. One of Alice's hands holding one of Bella's breasts like a teddy bear. Stroking it. Flicking the nipple with her thumb. Bella liked it and covered the hand with her own. Alice murmured a sleepy chuckle with her head resting against Bella's chest.

"You know, this really is a nice apartment," she said. "Got room for one more?"

Bella smiled to herself. "You want us to live together? Isn't that a bit fast?"

"I don't think so. I think it's long overdue."

"I think so too. But I don't want you to rush into anything you might regret. Just because I'm moving out, doesn't mean my family doesn't exist anymore. You sure you wanna date someone like me?"

"I wanna do more than date you," the girl said, pinching that soft nipple between her fingers.

Bella gave the hand a playful smack. "Young lady, control yourself."

Alice giggled and raised up a little to look into Bella's face.

"I just want us to be together, Bella," she said.

"Me too."

"So I can move in?"

"Yes."

"And we can be together? Forever?"

"Sure."

"Good. Because I'm sick of patience. I don't want to be patient anymore. I want you all to myself. Maybe everything that happened was my fault. I was never assertive enough with you. I never made you choose. I thought I was being selfless. But you were right. I should've made you choose. I should've let you know how much you mean to me. How much I need you. Because I do, Bella. I love you. No woman has ever made me feel the way you make me feel. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Okay?"

"Okay."

"So it's alright if I move in?"

"Yes. It's not exactly a cottage in the country, but it'll do, hm?"

"I think it's perfect."

"So do I."

Bella smiled up at her and stroked some small locks of black hair from her eyes. The eyes blinked. They were sparkling with unshed tears of joy and happiness and finally Alice leaned down and captured Bella's lips with her own.

—

 **AN: Well, there we go. To be honest, it does feel like something is missing, but I can't figure out what. Maybe there should be another chapter or something, or even just an epilogue, but my imagination kind of just stopped right there.**

 **Still, I think it's okay. They made the verbal commitment, which is what they were lacking. From here I think it's believable they'll be alright, but I do wish I could come up with a few more scenes of them living together and just being together. Unfortunately, this was the only climax I could come up with.**

 **Anyway, what did you think? It's far too short to be a novel, obviously, but I think it's pretty good for a short story. I'll keep it tucked away for a month or two and then come back with fresh eyes for an edit or maybe a rewrite to enlarge it. Overall, I think it's a fairly decent attempt.**

 **Finally, this story was for Bobbi. Wherever you are, I hope you're okay.**

 **That's all. Thank you guys very much for reading, and for your support, and I hope to see you soon. :)**


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